I must be the only Indian mother in the world to advise her daughters never to get married. EVER. Everyone laughs when I say this. Indian mothers are notoriously obsessed with the nuptials of their sons and daughters. I must be joking when I advise against it. I must have had a fight with my husband, you all snicker.
But I say it in earnest. Marriage has nothing exceptional to offer a woman in the 21st century. Even today, the institution continues to follow age-old patriarchal values that place the financial, physical, emotional and social needs of the husband above the wife’s.
It’s still the woman who changes her name, leaves her home, adapts to a new family, becomes the default in-charge of the housekeeping, social relationship-building, elderly care and childcare, and gives up her job when the babies are born. Indian girls have new aspirations to step out of the home, work and fly, but Indian boys still expect someone to make them tea and ensure that their clothes are laundered.
Essentially, marriage reduces a woman’s power and increases her responsibilities.
If you’re lucky, you find a husband who is loving, caring and mindful of your needs, though he has no special obligation to. People urge you to be thankful for your blessings as if it’s a precious gift only a few can possess. If you’re unlucky, you’re insulted, criticised, disregarded and ignored, or beaten, raped and treated like a punching bag. People say it’s a domestic issue and tell you to ‘adjust’.
Most Indian marriages, however, are somewhere in the middle. How good or bad they are is irrelevant. Marriage is a prerequisite to living, like roti-kapda-makaan-shaadi.
Till a few decades ago, marriage – for women especially – meant security, social acceptability, a source of income, children, and a companion in old age, all of which were worth the effort. These days, however, women can very well have all of these while single. So what do they need the burden of a husband for?
As someone who’s been twice married, you may consider me an authority on this matter. Both my marriages were poles apart. One was arranged; the other is of my own choice. One was a prison sentence; the other was liberation. One was a hell of fear and hate; the other was a paradise of love and desire. One left me broken, bruised and powerless; the other has given me wings, healed and nurtured me. Both led to my spiritual development. Both helped me to introspect and find myself.
But here’s the thing: you don’t need marriage to do that. Not anymore.
Yes, my husband today is a good man and my best friend. But we both agree that being married has not added anything to our relationship except for social sanction, which was a big deal for my generation. But it doesn’t have to be for yours.
What I’ve learnt about marriage (a happy one or an unhappy one) is that it’s never about the other person, it’s about you. Every day is a new journey into yourself, your own insecurities, fears, social anxieties, and suppressed pains and triggers. Marriage certainly isn’t going to cure them. You still have to do the spiritual self-work yourself — in addition to someone else’s housekeeping and laundry.
Men can be amazing lovers, wonderful companions and they are very useful for sex. But you don’t need to marry them to enjoy them. Claim your freedom, respect and desires. Let the guy earn you every single day. Men are best behaved on their toes.
I secretly long for the day when a whole generation of Indian women will reject this outmoded institution in favour of meaningful, equal relationships. That’s when entitled Indian men will change. That’s when society will evolve and we will #SmashThePatriarchy. Till then, have one lover or several, have kids, have pets, run a house, run a company, follow your dreams, fall in love. Just don’t get married.
Update, 2.24 pm: My husband says he has nothing to do with this article. Please stop messaging him your condolences. (But he does hope all boys who planned to propose to our daughters read this.)
Update, 25 August 2020: I changed the lead photo because the original one only showed one of my daughters. Here is me with both of them. And the back story and retrospective of this article is here.
First published in eShe’s March 2019 issue. Read this article in Hindi here.
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Oh god…i love this article so much…and this is what i have noticed too…i true every point of yours….i have asked the same question to my dad and he has been so supportive of my life all this while and always tells me ….do what u want…and just be happy though my mom is little traditional but when i always ask her….”will u want ur daughter to be silent and just marry” and then blame the society for everything happened or would u like to see her happy in her own world…well that makes her rethink twice. Anyways, i am quite impressed by the way u have written and it has defientely given me a ray of hope.
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Brilliant and spot on. Though I would never presume to pass judgment on another’s life, I think of all I’ve learned, how I’ve grown, and changed and been free to follow my heart down many paths because I did not marry or have children. I confess that at times I feel very much alone and wonder if my life could have/should have been different. But then I wouldn’t be me and me is a good thing. Each morning I greet the sun and intend that my true family – those who can see and appreciate and love who I am will enter my life. They are there, and I am free to welcome with an open heart. Thank you for this lovely piece.
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Her blog. Her views. People who don’t agree, don’t bother reading.
Appreciate you giving your daughter advice based on your experience. Somehow I also see a mother who will accept her daughter’s choice, should she decide to marry.
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And this comes from a woman who is twice married ..talk about cliches ..the best advise comes from people who are actually not in that situation.
Feminism does not mean one doesnt need a companion /husband ..it just means standing up for your rights .so this hogwash about why does a woman need a husband in today’s times as she can pretty much do everything by herself is absolutely ridiculous .one does not need advocate or pit one against the other ..Its free will ..marriage or singledom or living together is after all a choice.
My two bits ..dont write an article to sensationalise or get attention ..!! It you truly believed in it you wouldnt be be married to your loving husband 🙂
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Sapna, you just proved how insecure and unhappy you are by that immature replied. There are intelligent ways to respond to intelligent people without trying to insult them. I respect her comments about marriage, what’s wrong with that. Women learn to agree to disagree without been rude.
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Well spoken.
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Hahaha #upliftthepatriachy 👏🏻
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I kinda agree with you.
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I totally agree. Marriage is a pain in the neck, pocket and dick( if the woman is a nymphomaniac). The only good thing is, if you have a traditional ceremony you get ” some nice gifts”. That’s a nice feeling. But I insist my son or my daughter have to push off from my home by the time I get to age 60. I need my privacy you see!
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This is excellent and *spot on.* Can we, please, be friends? I appreciate your voice.
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I love your article and I could not have said it better. There needs to a shift in this outdated attitude. Asian women really are going places now and really do not need a man to fulfil their needs and desires.
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I am so sorry that your experiences have led u to this conclusion. While it is true that you don’t need a marriage to find yourself and in this day and age, marriages are not an economic means for a woman. But there are many joys of living in a committed relationship with another (for both men and women). I am sure you have raised your daughters well enough to choose a good and suitable man for themselves. Why give them this coloured perspective. Allow them freedom to choose.
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yes ,this is the idea
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Dear Jasmine , its easy to say, “Allow them freedom to choose” but in order to practice that freedom of choice , one needs to understand both the options , both the choices. We live in a world where the first choice – the marriage has been showcased practically in a very colorful way. What this article is doing is throwing light on the second option – the singlegood. Dont you think it’ll be unfair to NOT present it in a ‘colorful’ way !?
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So the last para pretty much summed up her thoughts on the whole subect. She essentially tells you to sleep around (fuck monogamy huh) and be a single mother(who needs a dad anyway). The problem is, quite a significant amount of crimes commited are by people raised in single mother homes (there are multiple statistics online, feel free to look into it) and as such I believe you might be leading your readers down an ill fated road. As for having multiple sexual partners, we’ll, again, there’s statistical evidence which shows doing so would increase the chances of divorce and cheating in the event of a marriage in the future. If u need further evidence, just look at the US, divorce rates are at an all time high, and they pretty much do everything you just mentioned in your post. That aside, I will agree that the marriage system in India is quite flawed, with there being multiple cases where the woman is exposed to harrasement and whatnot. That being said, you can’t ignore the fact that there are just as many successful marriages (arranged/love). Well folks, that’s just my 2 cents on the topic.
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Lol. Trying to browbeat someone who says ‘no marriage’ with high divirce rates!
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Finally someone spoke my language! And I know I’ll remember what you wrote woman. I will.. just like I remember that one small interview of another woman (a Tamil author, I forgot her name) in a Sunday newspaper, some 6 years ago. That was the first time I could flag my stand. Yours, the second.
And wherefrom began the stand? Well there is another woman.. a teacher. My teacher. She is my Ma (mother, u know). She wouldn’t tell me not to marry. But I know she will ask a ‘Why’ behind my decision… And there goes the whole mythified romanticized idea of the society sanctioning my life, blown to dust. Because I am yet to find one single logic I can put for that ‘Why’.. I am yet to find out which lecture on social science did I not understand in this last 5 years, that I cannot stick out my neck and say a NO to this evil patriarchal business called marriage.
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Well, I was never planning to. But your words substantiated my thoughts. Thank you.
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Same
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What the “Hec*” is this woman talking. Just because you made some bad choices in your life, you own no right to advice other women like us who enjoy marriage institution , while living a life of freedom. Also do hire some people who can do your laundry.! Bad taste of article!! And your daughter should grow up with her own decisions to make, not based on your Experience..
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I appreciate n respect ur views 100%
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I beg to differ on this write up.( view) Humans did not evolve by himself or herself . The very institution of marriage was founded by God to safeguard certain human values. It can can seen in bible- Adam and Eve, Ramayana- Rama and Sita etc. Freedom according to the current state of affairs is not fine, it’s not ethical, basically to make a long story short, if the institution of marriage was not founded what would be the difference between we humans and animals.*
(* hope one understands , how animals go around having sex because they are free to do anything and everything , we humans needs certain rules and regulations ie., -The institution of marriage is required to keep OUT the instinct of animals within us) . 🙏
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If you believe in the Bible. Very Patriarchal, written down by men. Marriage is a cultural institution. If women can have maternity leave, get equal pay, and childcare is inexpensive, they can stand on their own. We should all have Civil partnerships like Gays.
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I appreciate n respect ur views 100%
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And why would freedom bother yoraju so much?
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Pingback: Dear Daughters, Please Don’t Get Married – eShe – GreatCosmicMothersUnite
Wish I had read this article 10 years back. Everyone around you makes you believe since childhood that till you dont have a husband and children, you are doomed to be lonely and you dont know where you stand in life. Its a mental programming. In that fear, many women make mistakes. Specially those whose age as per society, friends and cousins cross over the marriageable age are simply tortured with pressure.
Marriage is a beautiful institution but it must have what you have rightly crafted. Anything thats makes you regress instead of progress is no good.
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Indian men are entitled immature children who don’t know how to handle themselves on their own – physically, emotionally, financially or intellectually. The reason is the way they were raised by their mothers, and the patriarchy system that inflates their ego. Neither the father nor the mother ever taught their son anything. The mother just doted and fed him incessantly. The father just displayed ego and passed on ego., teaching him rat race. Never did they teach him self restraint, poise, grace, sacrifice, calmness, courage, stoicism, self discipline by participating in household chores or a gentlemanly responsibilities. They never raised a man. They just raised a boy with a bad temper and attitude. A girl however – was taught everything. All of the above.
If you want to compare yourselves with Islamic countries – it only goes to prove how intellectually diminished you are. If you want to get emotional about how this includes your khandaan – it again goes to prove your diminished capacity to argue intelligently, once again showing lack of emotional stability with weak spines that Indians are known for the world over. Yes. It’s true. You’d notice once you travel more and watch men behave like poised gentlemen that you are thoroughly incapable of.
What is being said here is – examine yourselves and ask – the way things are set up — if you really loved your daughter and she’s your beautiful delicate darling that you have truly taken care of with your own hands and she can earn her own living and take care of herself responsibly and morally ——- would you really ask her to marry an Indian man and his family.
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Yes you are also women and when you give birth to a boy same will be applied to you also.. If you don’t have a boy then God can only make you realize. Your kind of women’s only spread gender discrimination in society..
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You not the only one Mam…I tell my 3 kids not to get married too….I have 2 boys n a girl….I agree with you.
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I have only one point all those who agree with this article and the person who has written it please firt get Divorsed, ask your mom, brother, sisters, childeren, relatives , friends everyone to get divorsed… and then advocate such logics.
Getting Divorce is very easy… khud 2 baar sadi karo and bolo its useless…what a crap.
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It’s an advise boss .. remember we all are citizens of a democratic country .. advise Lena Hain tho follow karo problem Hain tho pher lo …
u missed reading her husband’s view point on this article… way to go mam … I too agree with this view and seriously feel what are women graduating at by getting married just giving an opportunity to feel de-graded .. I even go a step further even lovers paalna too is a task … it’s not worth it with all emotional drama …. just stop being in a relation if u feel or sense the slightest of emotional drama or emotional blackmailings .. such relations only survive on expectation and the question whether is it all worth it to be in this emotional saga or be part of it is a question one needs to decide on … so actually cut the crap and live on your life to the fullest…. on your terms and conditions.
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You’re such a man
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“Men are best behaved on their toes.”
Ma’am, I am not sure what experiences you have had with men, but that statement of yours shows how much of respect you give to other people. The men you talk about include your father and my father as well. My father is not worthy of treatment nor many fathers I have met are worthy of such treatment.
If marriage did not add value to your relationship, then you had a sad one or you probably just have not reflected the 1000s of good things that came out of marriage.
You also claimed men are useful for intimacy but we do not need marriage for that. Not everyone has a belief to enjoy and “use” men for intimacy outside of marriage! I’m sorry, are you staying men can be used like garbage bags? If this is your vision, it is crap! Basically you are suggesting we treat men the same way men treat us?? Then defines the line between men and women. Your statements overpower your statements such as some “men are very loving”. I’m disappointed.
You should talk about how fathers and mothers should teach their sons to behave so that their daughters are able to marry rather than blame men. Yes, men do have common sense, but sometimes, their early education designs them to feel superior to women.
You can also consider me an authority on this matter as I belong from an amazing father and am married to an amazing man. I have also had men in my family who have not been great partners and have seen my family suffer from the pain it gave them.
Peace, I understand your point. It needs some refurbishing
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Alhamdulillah may Allah bless you with good path which you taken
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Wow! Bhartiya naari ka atyachaari pada itna bhaari ki ab sahi lage duniya saari
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Thanks for your comments and providing feedback.
These days pseudo feminist are on rise… These inculcate wrong thoughts among youth ( both men and women) just to gain fame, popularity and eventually money….and the problem is they are not ashamed of this but take pride in doing so.
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“Men are best behaved on their toes.”
Ma’am, I am not sure what experiences you have had with men, but that statement of yours shows how much of respect you give to other people. The men you talk about include your father and my father as well. My father is not worthy of treatment nor many fathers I have met are worthy of such treatment.
If marriage did not add value to your relationship, then you had a sad one or you probably just have not reflected the 1000s of good things that came out of marriage.
You also claimed men are useful for intimacy but we do not need marriage for that. Not everyone has a belief to enjoy and “use” men for intimacy outside of marriage! I’m sorry, are you staying men can be used like garbage bags? If this is your vision, it is crap! Basically you are suggesting we treat men the same way men treat us?? Then defines the line between men and women. Your statements overpower your statements such as some “men are very loving”. I’m disappointed.
You should talk about how fathers and mothers should teach their sons to behave so that their daughters are able to marry rather than blame men. Yes, men do have common sense, but sometimes, their early education designs them to feel superior to women.
You can also consider me an authority on this matter as I belong from an amazing father and am married to an amazing man. I have also had men in my family who have not been great partners and have seen my family suffer from the pain it gave them.
Peace. I understand you point, but it needs some refurbishing.
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I conquer With you Rahab Ahmed. Encouraging people to love without marrying is very dangerous. Its a way of encouraging sexual immorality to those who will buy the idea.
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Except that it’s ‘concur’ not ‘conquer’.
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You r absolutely right.. our generation has been sadly loaded with responsibilities and more .. since day one. You r expected to be good at everything.. But I’ve seen things changing. Five daughters in our family got married in the last few years.. all of them to the boys of their choice and when they decided on settling down. At least four of them have husbands who treat them as more than equals and acknowledge that they are intelligent and independent girls. So things do seem to be changing. Though I agree that girls should not be forced into a marriage just for the sake of it.
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Hi
I haven’t read your article and I am not interested . If you don’t want your daughter to get married it is your and her decision why are you writing a article and posting on social media . What ever you have wrote and your perceptions ,thinking just share with your daughter directly.Marriage is a team work ,if she makes tea what is wrong in that he can wash the cups .
Don’t get offended but don’t share on social media .
Regards
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Don’t put your thoughts in your daughters mind. This is the first parenting trip.Raise your kids good and let them take rein of their life in their hands.Being parents doesn’t mean that you have learned an absolute about lif e and relationship and all the bull shit if this world.So take a back seat and enjoy your own life rather than outing some your ideas in your children minds.
Applies to all parents for all the bullshit they are putting in young ones mind .A pure soul can teach you more than your corrupted soul of 40-50 years.
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Well said bro…
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Well written, Such wtitter are spoiling their kids.
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Don’t put your thoughts in your daughters mind. This is the first parenting trip.Raise your kids good and let them take rein of their life in their hands.Being parents doesn’t mean that you have learned an absolute about lif e and relationship and all the bull shit if this world.So take a back seat and enjoy your own life rather than outing some your ideas in your children minds.
Applies to all parents for all the bullshit they are putting in young ones mind .A pure soul can teach you more than your corrupted soul of 40-50 years.
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Din’t get married! It sucks your life away. You lose yourself and the right to speak your truth and live your life the way you choose. You spend your life as a severant to a man. Don’t do it.
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“Men can be very useful for sex” sums up the whole article.
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I always tell my son n daughter that don’t ever get married to anyone in your lifetime.. it’s such a waste of time with unnecessary tension of someone who never give any response or respect to us .. if you a child , just go n adopt and make them stand on thier own . Don’t ever depend on anyone in your life ..
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Totally agree !
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Totally agreed!! But the thing is that nobody wants to think this way because it taints their “divinity” which is earned by birth for being a part of our holy Indian culture!!
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I’m South Asian. I’m married. I’m pregnant. I work in retail. I don’t do the washing and cleaning all by myself, my husband (also south asian) helps out. We do everything equally, even the cooking.
This article is irrelevant if you’re talking in general. My husband doesn’t rely on me, so saying (in general) that South Asian men rely on their wives to do everything is absolutely a lie.
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You’re obviously an exception to the rule. Awesome that you are doing this though.
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Telling girls to not get married is same as telling them to married. What about girl own choice? It should be like that, if they want to marry so.eone they should but if they don’t want, then don’t. You can’t put your own choices on other people and believe it will be best for them.
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Telling girls to not get married is same as telling them to married. What about girl own choice? It should be like that, if they want to marry so.eone they should but if they don’t want, then don’t. You can’t put your own choices on other people and believe it will be best for them.
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Very nicely written the truth! If I had a daughter, I would advice her that too. There are so many children who can be adopted, loved and nurtured. One doesn’t have to have her own in today’s population.
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Loved the article 💕and being not married and a single mother I can truly identify with it. Girls believe me u don’t need marriage to be happy 😊
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What a coincidence…I was just talking with my mom d other day dat wats d use of being getting married???it’s simply a sign of insecurity amongst women.. Truly speaking marriage compresses a woman in every aspect . A woman doesn’t need to be complete only by getting married or by becoming a mom .She can be what she is. There should be no such institution of marriage.
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The article will be much more sensible if addressed both to son/daughter if the goal is equality.
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THANK YOU!!!! SO WELL SAID!
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where were u ..all these days dear..write more to explore more
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Marriage can be what you want it to be. A woman can keep her own name (I did) and choose a spouse whom will support her working and contribute to household chores. My husband does a lot of chores at home. If you are career minded I would not advise a woman to marry someone whom will want you to quit work to take care of children annd the home full time. The man should also contribute to household chores and be supportive of their wife working unless the wife wants to be a stay at home mom.
The author makes it seem like you can’t have both which has not been true for me. My spouse supports me with working and cooks meals and cleans the house. There are men out there like that. And he is Indian too.
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The article is for the traditional/religious demand and that is what it tells you that you can do what YOU want, including wedding to be with a man.
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Well, I found it partially correct but I feel there is other side of the coin as well that article doesn’t cover. If girls really want a meaningful relationship why financial condition is still an important criteria while going for a marriage? Secondly, there are many examples where things don’t work between a couple, and woman is well to do and well earning but still claimed financial suppport or money from husband. How fair is that then?
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You are majorly missing her point. She is conveying that you are completely complete with or with out marriage. Don’t tie knots just for sake of it.
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I agree with each and every word put forward by the author.. I have been saying the same to my friends and family.
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I wish I was friends with your daughters…..would have got love from them with no strings attached….really wish this idea becomes reality and I gets lots of coitus…
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With that thinking you’re just going to have to continue using your hand honey.
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ha ha ha….that is why this article is addressed to mentally stable people.
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😂😂
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Honey, you won’t. There’s not one thing attractive about your attitude. It’s the very last thing opposite to respect, equality, and friendship.
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If you can’t get any ‘coitus…’ in such a patriarchal set-up, I doubt if you would get any in a society where women are independent and your ‘privileges’ are taken away.
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I totallllyyyy agreeeeee..its all about u..when my daughter was born the first thing that hit my mind was and I clearly rem it.. that she dsnt have to marry..
Marriage is like giving away a part of u emotionally mentally physically to a stupid gender who dsnt value it…
Am so glad how nicely u have written this..
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An opinion piece – some will agree. These days educated kids themselves decide what they will do. But it is up to the parents to impress on their child as they grow up that all are to be treated equally. Teach them nothing or otherwise, they will grow up differently whether they are male or female. In the sentence “Men can be amazing lovers, wonderful companions and they are very useful for sex. But you don’t need to marry them to enjoy them.”, I won’t like a male child forming a view replacing Men/guy by Women/girl. In my humble opinion that’s not how I will see my society evolve. I respect the right of those disagreeing with me.
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I totally agree with the author. Women are not obligated to get marry in order to lead a good life. I agree with the statement that Indian women are independent and no longer depending to the men before or after marriage. But, this Indian men still depending to the woman to do everything things for them… From tea until laundry. So what is the point to get marry to someone where a woman needs to earn and support financially and to do all the house chores . Life is not getting easy for a woman if she is working after her marriage. She has to do multi-tasking to fulfil everyone needs in the family but hardly people in the family will concern about her needs. No need to get marry… Enjoy life to the fullest without tieing your life with marriage.
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I wish to have face to face interaction with the author of this article….
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Why? Do you realize that you sound threatening?
I think we reached Lewis’s Law very quickly: “Comments on any article about feminism justify feminism.”
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This is fantastic indeed! Marriage is synonymous to responsibility. Right from the day one, a girl is expected to look beautiful, and hence she is dolled up more than what is required to. Parents of the girl too have only one reason to live I feel, only to showcase their years of hardwork or status through the jewels and clothes of the bride. How ridiculous! With so many rituals, she has hardly left with any time to relax. The rest is the known fact! A woman becomes a punch bag for everything. Not required anymore.
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I just feel that your current husband is also on his toes ..as he is well behaved ..I feel pitty about women like you ..who really don’t think what they are doing to Indian society ..in 21 St century every women has this liberty to choose what she wants & if she believe in the constitution of marriage ..it’s important to clear your thoughts but not to impose your belief of experience as generic to influence indian women ..who has not even known what marriage ..you can always have all the above listed things without a man ..but sorry mam ..you will not have family that has indian traditional values inculcated in them .
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Ppl like you are the validation for this article
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Every person is a bundle of experience ..if someone sharing it , kindly acknowledge and respect it …ur concern regarding misleading other may be valid at some extent but dear friend u Never know someone’s little thread of experience may be stitching something somewhere …..
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Very true ! 😊
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She is not imposing, she is advising.
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I agree. Marriage is an outmoded institution.
If you have to marry, don’t marry an Indian. Sri Lankans make equal partners.
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Even I had and still have the same reviews, but lately I realised that it’s a lottery system, u might get the jackpot or few rupees or a big zero but at least u were in the fray. I left my partner 20 years ago but with four kids ur moral responsibility is too high. U stay in the moral frame and let go of all ur desires. And sex without love is useless. And loneliness is a big problem. We need to change the mindsets of boys from the day they r born. If boys don’t behave, fault lies with us as parents, not with them. In the end I would say…… to each her own😊
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I would like to say that I couldn’t agree more! Kudos to you ❤ liberating though process!
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The author is absolutely right. This thinking will also drive every woman to be motivated, strong and responsible and not dependent and vulnerable, which in itself is work, and as a result a more productive society. No matter what we hope for in terms of equality in a marriage, women are the givers, and the default responsible person in all social aspects. For that to change, not getting married may be a solution, but due to the emotional temperament if a woman, she may continue to take that role, but at her own will.
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I support this article….its absolutely correct…marriage is all about responsibilities..nothing else….
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Marriage or not… I guess that’s not the point to take away from this… Author might have suggested not to but for reasons not her rather society is to blame… What’s important in this article is a need of Equality between Husband and Wife, at home and beyond…
Marry only when you are ready to treat each other as EQUALS… Responsibility isn’t of one.. sacrifice shouldn’t be either…
Dear men,
Don’t read this article as a question on marriage… Read it to know what women really want from you…
P.S.
I’m glad I know couples of my generation who know this and follow it very well too 🙂
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