Relationships

Dear Daughters, Please Don’t Get Married

Marriage has nothing exceptional to offer a woman in the 21st century.

I must be the only Indian mother in the world to advise her daughters never to get married. EVER. Everyone laughs when I say this. Indian mothers are notoriously obsessed with the nuptials of their sons and daughters. I must be joking when I advise against it. I must have had a fight with my husband, you all snicker.

But I say it in earnest. Marriage has nothing exceptional to offer a woman in the 21st century. Even today, the institution continues to follow age-old patriarchal values that place the financial, physical, emotional and social needs of the husband above the wife’s.

It’s still the woman who changes her name, leaves her home, adapts to a new family, becomes the default in-charge of the housekeeping, social relationship-building, elderly care and childcare, and gives up her job when the babies are born. Indian girls have new aspirations to step out of the home, work and fly, but Indian boys still expect someone to make them tea and ensure that their clothes are laundered.

Essentially, marriage reduces a woman’s power and increases her responsibilities.

If you’re lucky, you find a husband who is loving, caring and mindful of your needs, though he has no special obligation to. People urge you to be thankful for your blessings as if it’s a precious gift only a few can possess. If you’re unlucky, you’re insulted, criticised, disregarded and ignored, or beaten, raped and treated like a punching bag. People say it’s a domestic issue and tell you to ‘adjust’.

Most Indian marriages, however, are somewhere in the middle. How good or bad they are is irrelevant. Marriage is a prerequisite to living, like roti-kapda-makaan-shaadi.

Till a few decades ago, marriage – for women especially – meant security, social acceptability, a source of income, children, and a companion in old age, all of which were worth the effort. These days, however, women can very well have all of these while single. So what do they need the burden of a husband for?

As someone who’s been twice married, you may consider me an authority on this matter. Both my marriages were poles apart. One was arranged; the other is of my own choice. One was a prison sentence; the other was liberation. One was a hell of fear and hate; the other was a paradise of love and desire. One left me broken, bruised and powerless; the other has given me wings, healed and nurtured me. Both led to my spiritual development. Both helped me to introspect and find myself.

But here’s the thing: you don’t need marriage to do that. Not anymore.

Yes, my husband today is a good man and my best friend. But we both agree that being married has not added anything to our relationship except for social sanction, which was a big deal for my generation. But it doesn’t have to be for yours.

What I’ve learnt about marriage (a happy one or an unhappy one) is that it’s never about the other person, it’s about you. Every day is a new journey into yourself, your own insecurities, fears, social anxieties, and suppressed pains and triggers. Marriage certainly isn’t going to cure them. You still have to do the spiritual self-work yourself — in addition to someone else’s housekeeping and laundry.

Men can be amazing lovers, wonderful companions and they are very useful for sex. But you don’t need to marry them to enjoy them. Claim your freedom, respect and desires. Let the guy earn you every single day. Men are best behaved on their toes.

I secretly long for the day when a whole generation of Indian women will reject this outmoded institution in favour of meaningful, equal relationships. That’s when entitled Indian men will change. That’s when society will evolve and we will #SmashThePatriarchy. Till then, have one lover or several, have kids, have pets, run a house, run a company, follow your dreams, fall in love. Just don’t get married.

Lead photo: At the airport, sending my firstborn off for higher studies

Update, 2.24 pm: My husband says he has nothing to do with this article. Please stop messaging him your condolences. (But he does hope all boys who planned to propose to our daughters read this.) 

First published in eShe’s March 2019 issueRead this article in Hindi here.

 

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602 comments on “Dear Daughters, Please Don’t Get Married

  1. As they say `shaadi woh laddu jo khaye woh pachtaye, jo na khaye woh pachtaye”. Having said that while in earlier times women were usually the suffering party now with laws favouring women like 498A many a time it is women who are the tormentors. So while the author writes from a woman’s POV if a man had written what she has he would have been tarred and feathered thoroughly !

    • Yes..
      Good question.
      Marriage is a double edged knife.
      It can be used for both good n bad for both the parties.. ..

  2. Beautifully penned. I would give the Same advice if l had girls. I have told my boys to stay away from marriage if they r not ready to share the responsibility it brings along n accept the flaws of the partner and let her grow in all aspects

  3. I agree on most points from an Indian perspective. But I do wonder why are you married? You learnt from your first marriage that it is not as worth as it should be to get married and yet you got married again?
    I think it would be better put this way that find a meaningful relationship and then get married.

  4. Thumps up… This is exactly what I was thinking of telling my daughter when she grows up

  5. Well said. I can only say that marriage is also a part of life like we njy all other aspects of life. I am a married woman , have 2 angels. A life without me is also not a stable one, its filled with Ups n Downs in life. Then y can’t we go for a marriage, give birth for a future generation and face all ups n downs there too.
    Marriage is a divine relation, with mutual understanding.
    As the author says, we have to undergo many situations n follow several conditions in our marital life. B bold to find solutions women, this is 21st century. A wide world is open for us. I educate my kids to be independent with a prayer that they should b blessed with gud life partner n not the “perfect”, who will share their lives giving my children equal importance in life.
    We mother’s should know that our children too r not perfect. They too have their flaws, which all can’t accept unlike we mothers.
    I don’t want to talk about sex which is obtained from market.
    Girls n boys, marriage is important in life. Find the partner of ur life, whether arranged or love me.

    • I am married for 15 yrs with 2 beautiful kids . For me nothing has changed as such .. he is still my friend , we still fight, we still argue , we never reach at one conclusion but we still love and respect each other.
      I am not against marriage and will never force my opinion on my kids … it’s their and your life … live the way you want .
      Take decisions… they may be wrong .. they may be right , but that’s what makes us humans .
      We learn everyday ..
      for me , marriage is a BLISS and I m loving every moment of it .

      • K P Radhakrishnan

        There cannot be perfection as you say.
        Marriage is a relation requiring lot of adustments.
        KPRADHAKRISHNAN
        A single woman is a stigma in most parts of India. Women themselves are the worst trouble makers.

      • Wow, great to see this, nowadays when everyone is misguiding atleast few are still out there who keeps reality..

  6. Kiran Sahni

    Awesome article hope you find strength to carry on this inspiring work

  7. Netra Khandagale

    Loved the article.. someone needed to put this out there.. kudos.. well done

  8. Tapashi Das

    Agree with this. Marriage should be solemnised in order to share responsibilities for common goals. When it isn’t, there is no point of a marriage taking place. It is a sheer waste of time, money, effort, longevity and peace.
    Yes, I am a married woman for about 14 years and have three kids, two guys and a gal. One eldest son of 12 years, and a twins aged 5 years. At this point of my life as I sailed through the highs and lows alike ever married folks however happy they claim to be, for me, it took about more than ten years to figure out the common purpose for which we have to stay married, other than the societal norms, the kids and for our individual families.
    … And to which I never have been reached if I decided not to marry or to never have kids, long before.
    Marriage serves the purpose of meeting individual goals which must intersect at a point of either partner’s lives. It has no higher aim or has no role in constructive upliftment of our society. In today’s era, one can survive well off, even with children without getting into the complexities of marriage which shall resume to be the same for the Indian counterparts forever.

    For those lurking behind the tag of ‘Anonymous’ and commenting or rather bogging down this post or even agreeing to it. Come out of the veil and face the real thing. You would rather be speechless.

    *Thumbs up* to the author and my heartfelt good wishes to her for having faith in the same institution after being brutally broken by it.

    You are the face of OPTIMISM 🙏

    *Edit*
    To those who are thinking I have and I am going through a bad marriage, I would have walked out of it much before, even when my parental support is strong (I did not mean financially), but I stayed to face at a very tender age and living my life in my own terms. But, I keep on weighing things and I shall always do so throughout my life at a 3D angle. Life becomes much easier upon this.

    • Anonymous

      Tapashi Das read your comment, difficult to understand what you are trying to express.

      • Tapashi Das

        Because it is my personal experience, how can you understand, as much as may be you or many other here did not understand this post and diverting the underlying gist of this article to gender disparity.

  9. Anonymous

    Dear Author,
    I agree with your logic for the daughters. However, if we apply the same logic for SONS, it is even more TRUE!
    SONS SHOULD NEVER EVER GET MARRIED!
    If you’re lucky, you find a wife who is loving, caring and mindful of your needs, though she has no special obligation to. If she is NOT, 50%+ cases in the modern Indian and affluent society, she is going to make your life miserable.
    If a daughter is not happy in her marriage, she can walk out as and when she desires. However, for a son, he cannot. He is going to lose half of his inherited or earned property/fortunes, lose his children and most likely go to jail (for a day or two) under false 498A dowry case. – a weapon for modern Indian women. Not just him, there’s a likelihood that the parents will go to jail too. Then why get married?
    Women are good for sex too. Luckily for men, paid sex is available more easily for men than women. Then why get married when you can:
    1. get stripped of half of your inheritance and earnings
    2. kids taken away with only visitation rights
    3. Go to Jail (in false dowry case)
    I sincerely feel that Tushhar Kapoor and Karan Johar avoided these misfortune events in their lives by becoming fathers through surrogate mothers before the law came into picture.
    Dear Author – I would really like to know your thoughts on this?
    Kind regards.

    • Excellent suggestion. Men should definitely stop getting married, it’s a pain for them too.

      So why are all these people arguing so much about it in the comments?

    • Ideally marriage should have created a cozy nest for the man and the woman and the children where each of them felt secure and nurtured at various stages of life from when it started untill the end.
      Truth is it hasn’t for most. And as days goes by we see that the number of marriages making people miserable only increasing; disturbing not just the two but many around them. No point turning the blind eye!
      This is not first human invention that has failed to work for all its consumers!
      Nothing is constant in human life if you look at us as a species, we are continuously evolving and our own history is proof that our way of life is constantly changing. And so has ideas of companionship, marriage and everything about it.
      A lot of us have realised marriage is not an ultimate goal as romanticized, in most cases it has instead become a hurdle in the way of us achieving our full potential as human beings.
      The entire idea of what “marriage” stands for needs to be revisited by us as a civilization that is living in the current era.
      When everything about the way humans live has changed over the years, this too will, whether we accept it or not. We just have the option be part of the change.
      Anyway, the path we already know doesn’t work for most should not be promoted as life goal to younger ones on basis of few successes. They look up to us for direction like we did with our parents!
      Most people here take sides based on their experiences and conditioning, and I can understand that. What I am worried about is that the people who think their children are taught wrong through such articles!
      It only exposes them to the reality and enables them to take informed decisions. If anything you must let them read it and let them decide.
      As parents we must not force or even promote the idea of marriage unless we can tell our young ones “it may work, but chances are it’ll go South and before you know it you’d have lost years, and a lot more”

    • Anonymous

      Very well said.

    • Anonymous

      Cool.

    • Anonymous

      Great response

    • Anonymous

      Pl you male chauvinist. Stand up and be a man. It’s you kind of men that make such poor cheap choices and guide your sons to destroy women’s lives. Kudos to the author a true modern Indian sensitive sensible woman. Great article and loved reading it and sharing too.

  10. Anonymous

    No need to marry again after your children are grown up. I love being single and do as I please. Life is so much more peaceful and happy being alone!!

  11. Beautifully crafted article ❣

  12. Komal Sehgal

    It’s a personal choice. Should not be forced upon either ways. Times have changed and marriage is not the same for women. It’s like living in your own house these days. Even when you are living with your parents you have a certain responsibility, the same goes later. The mindset has changed. The daughter-in-law is the daughter of the house these days. I would reiterate that it’s a personal choice which should be left to the individual.

  13. This is a controversial write up with regard to the institution called marriage. Your write up shows ‘Marriage’ is totally misunderstood. Its about living together, it’s about being interdependent, rather being dependent. Its about sharing responsibilities of family and taking it ahead, up bringing the kids, or future lives. Its in our hand that we allow the other person over ride us, or take advantage of. Believe as much as a women depends on man, so a man also depends on women. When women looses, man also looses. Its nothing to be petrarchial or matriarchal. But be strong enough not to give your remote to other. Its this new generation Mother’s to teach their young daughters and sons they are equal and not take the advantage of other, Teach the sons to take equal share in household works, so both the counter parts enjoy both professional and family life. And daughters and daughter in law’s, be strong to know when to refuse doing what work at home. They are family members, but not the slave of counterpart.

  14. Don’t say negative and demotivating words to girls who wants to marry.
    You had a failed marriage, because u didn’t oppose it in the first place..it’s u who needs to be blamed ..not the man and the families.
    Please sort ur life and let others live peacefully.

    • Anonymous

      She definitely opposed that’s why had a second marriage

    • V SriHarsha

      So you are ok with the fact that she was a victim of domestic violence? Oh yeah, as you rightly mentioned, its her FAULT to accept the alliance in the first place. After all its the MEN’S right to bash their better halves black and blue. Looking at your perspective i really feel sorry for the girl, whom you love. Poor soul, wish her emancipation soon. Peace.

  15. Bang on! Get marry if you want. Don’t get marry because parents, society etc want it. No need to labelled your relationship for the shake of others.

    • Totally agreed. There has never been a silver bullet. It is one thing to offer your experience, and the other to influence young girls based on your negative experience, while you are still enjoying being married happily the second time. Sounds like a confused author and indecisive author.

  16. Anonymous

    I don’t agree.

  17. It is the mindset of most Asians. Men and women with equal qualifications, careers and cultural backgrounds have different expectations once home. Still in majority of the households, women have to come back to a work load at home too. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, kids-their studies, tantrums. Often tantrums, frills and fancies of husbands and their families. You are extremely lucky and blessed to have a husband who shares the responsibilities.
    If you are a housewife, you are termed useless and don’t expect much help from the husband or the family. You being sick or tired doesn’t count.
    The society is changing, and so are the mothers/parentd who are training their boys and girls equally the art of survival, sharing the work and co-existing for the uplifting of both the partners

  18. A beautiful article, totally resonates my thoughts (and yes I am married). A lot of the comments seem to be missing the point! But please keep writing 🙂 A liberating read!

  19. It’s apart of what we call life as it would be and will be. By changing the equations through certain methodology are welcomed at any risk which may be helpful to ease some and leave others to wonder.
    It is not easy as said to walk the path which requires different gender bonded on the same route. Each are destined to favor one another which may seem ridiculous. It may look like a pleasing game but what’s the catch ?
    Live life together. By being selfish will not be helpful. The cycle of life requires its vitamins and supplements. The cure is by being together as one.
    For those who have failed, it’s only a bend and not the end. Try again and again and again until bothh can achieve what is meant to be.
    The cycle is not just an overnight proclaimed results. It is a process of hurdling through the odds.
    As you have gone through the good and bad moments with 2 different characters, the applause is towards your determination and belief that one day, you have someone to tag along for good and for worse.
    You may have achieved what you wanted to have but does your partner feel the same as you are ?
    It is not about the experience or the knowledge we have but the self realization of one.
    Time will make a change. Keep trying to be together. Don’t quit. Your shoes may fit yoi well with comfort now but it will not be the same for others, even if it’s your own kids.
    I would love to meet up with you in the near future. Not to debate but to share.
    Thank you for being who you are.

    • I just loved what you have to say. Its like a ray of hope for people amongst this negativity. Relationships will go bad if you become self obsessed !
      More power to you !

  20. So, I read quite a few of the comments. I feel majority of the people just missed out the whole point of the article- dont get married until you have a reason that doesnt put you on sidelines. I loved the article, probably coz I can relate to it. I am married for 9 yrs now, n my husband is very loving n caring. Of course he isn’t perfect and nor am I, but I realize now that people change and if you dont marry for right reasons its difficult to get through the tough times of the relationship. I wish I had this advice about a decade ago, but probably I wouldn’t have paid heed to it coz I was a rebel at that time. Too young and naive to get the idea.
    But, kudos to the writer she knows what she is writing, and if you dont get it, you are seriously at a loss.

  21. “Men can be amazing lovers, wonderful companions and they are very useful for sex. But you don’t need to marry them to enjoy them. Claim your freedom, respect and desires.”

    I am just curious how would you or women have reacted had some guy written this-

    “Women can be amazing lovers, wonderful companions and they are very useful for sex. But you don’t need to marry them to enjoy them. Claim your freedom, respect and desires.”

    Interesting article though.

    • Good observation. Women would have termed the man a male chauvinist, a pervert and using women as sex object!

    • Arjun Pamnani

      It reminds me of my school days,when there were quite a few goody good shoes who used to raise their hand at every single opportunity to impress the teachers with their all knowing answers and to vociferously voice their opinions as though they were some sort of radical wind mill tilters out to change society. And went on in life to become “Status quoists” after marriage!”

    • A guy wouldn’t have written this, because who will do his laundry, his cooking, his cleaning?

      • No one forces women to do laundry or cook,specially a working women in India . But we r forgetting a basic thing here is none of the parents teaching there boys to behave..

    • Anonymous

      Exactlyyy !!!

    • Spot on. Like what you said. What a BS article. Have kids one day who won’t know who their dad is or know what family is. I really hope we don’t have more such people hanging around in the world.

      • Firstly, it is ironic that you write an article when you yourself are married. If you strongly believed in what you wrote, you should have set an example by divorcing your husband and…(hold your thoughts) continued living with him the way you suggested in the article. Lead, and also write, by example not by your whims.
        Secondly, marriage is not just two people living under the same roof. it is also a social and legal contract. Have you considered the angle of kids? Marriage just didnt happen to society despite its obvious shortcomings. Who will take care of the kids when there is no marriage? Rather the question is how many women will even want to have kids if there is no marriage?
        More relevant would be to write on how to improve the position of women in society or marriage or for that matter any other setting.
        The US and other western countries are not big on marriages. The position of women, if better, is not because of avoiding marriages but because of education, financial freedom and other relevant factors.

  22. Anonymous

    What a pathetic article!

  23. Though I am a patriarchal male chauvinist, I honestly enjoyed reading this piece. I guess the patriarchy husband may have liberated her to romanticize the creative potential within her. After all, the next generation will change in good way or bad way I do not mind at all.

  24. Nice read. I agree with the views.

  25. Vijay George Kuruvilla

    Blaming the institution of Marriage alone for the substance of this article is truly unfair. It is like blaming the airplane for a botched up summer vacation. It is not the carrier that defines the vacation- it is your experiences and emotions that do. Many factors go into botching up (for the lack of any other phrase) a marriage- disparity in core values, incompatibility in intellect and behavioural expressions may be few.
    Marriage is beyond just a social ‘pairing-up’ of 2 perfect people. It is coming together of 2 different, often imperfect people who learn to value each others’ differences and love each other so much that they refuse to give up on each other.
    A Good Marriage is not a noun- it isn’t something you get. It is more a verb- it is something you do together, irrespective of the differences and difficulties of life. It is an accountability to each other to build something that lasts.
    I have a daughter of mine own who in few years, will reach the marriageable age. I have only one advice for her. Grow up in the love of the Lord and the joy of your imperfect parents. And when time comes, let us help each other in prayerfully finding a partner for you who will share the same sentiment. Someone who falls in love with you everyday and you with him, and may you love each other so much, that you’d never give up on each other come what may, and may your tribe increase!

  26. Wow.. what an article..kuddos

  27. Prasath Pathmah

    Her husband is savage.
    (But he does hope all boys who planned to propose to our daughters read this.)

  28. Feelinghorrid

    God quite thick skinned and shameless you are. . with such strong views against marriage why did you go for a second marriage. How you bring up your children is your wish but please don’t be instrumental in feeding such crap to a generation who is having enough advocates of their own trying to promote live in relationship. This article was forwarded to me by my daughter. You CSN advice your daughter to be a licenced who’re but leave others to make their own decisions..

  29. Dear mam,you are self independent and probably one of them who are raising flag of women empowerment in India.you are financially well already married twice and now asking others not to marry because u feel it’s not the safe option but if u will go to integrity of our society and the real situation of woman than only you can see most of them are financially not independent they belongs to middle class or below middle class.it all look good when you are self independent educated and belong to so called high society . I believe your article is only for them who are living in big cities or belong to high class society where woman is well off in all terms…

  30. Made me feel good

  31. Anonymous

    I wonder why are you married… 😉

  32. Anonymous

    I have mixed feelings about this as I found the right partner at the age of 18. He and I are still best friends but in many ways, we have outgrown each other. He is flying high and I have rooted deep. Am I in a happy place? I don’t know. Do I want to change my past? No. I don’t want to. I love my life and every moment of it and I think my husband’s absences too, as it defined me as a person. Being married does not mean ‘completion’. You are incomplete, whether you marry or you don’t. Being married at least saves you from unwanted social attention or at least offers you a sense of financial security. I too have two daughters and I want them to go on a journey of their own…being married or not…does not really matter….

  33. I too tell my daughter not to get married. I know she will never be able to live her life they way she has actually thought to be. She will end up forgetting herself in the process to prove her presence, to prove that she too is the member of the family she has been brought to.

  34. Anonymous

    With the above logic, a note to all men “No. Matter how much u pay a prostitute she still comes cheap”

  35. Anonymous

    Word.

  36. I totally agree with you only on one point that women should be given the option of getting married or not. It should not be froced upon on by our family members, culture or society as the only respectable way of living. For this to happen women should first get education and then have financial freedom. Then legal age for marriage for women shoudl be raised to 21. International community, govenment and well-fair associations should work together to achive this. So that all women can think for themselves. Biggest hurdle is the attitude of the community must take place.

  37. Priiya Rao

    I married once and that was a lesson good enough! Now I’m single, have a son, a pug and enjoy the freedom life gives. It’s so much about finding yourself in this journey of life and men definitely can’t add to it(most!) So agree that for women of the 21st century marriage is not the answer.
    Fantastic blog!

  38. Anonymous

    You are so against marriage — then why are you still married? And why did you get married for the second time?

    • Anonymous

      She married twice and any moment she will go for third to explore more about the freedom….

    • Ritika Grover

      Try to reveal your identity before you ask anyone such questions. An intelligent person will understand that this thought has come from rightful experience. With her two marriages she has gained the experience that has shaped her opinion.

      • Anonymous

        Improving her opinion is still an open option for her.

    • Anonymous

      Very well said.

  39. Sanjib Chakraborty

    Food for Thought…. It may be an “conscious choice” after understanding the prons and cons of both as no single straight-jacketed solution suits the whole human civilization with different types of personality, aspirations, goals and objectives of life, likes and dislikes, etc.

  40. This I agree with totally.We need to bring up a society of thinking, respecting and caring human beings where the son of the family is not taught anything different from the daughter of the house….BUT having said that…at a marriage ceremony..the bride is still the one who walks down the aisle for a man who is waiting, the groom is asked to kiss the bride..why cant that change to “you may now kiss your groom??” Traditions,religion and society have a paralyzing effect on the world we live in.What needs to change is us NOW…how WE bring up the next generation and in that I agree with the fact that marriage is NOT the ultimate goal EVER…It is NOT another box to be ticked and done before the biological clock starts ticking…
    Life is a gamble and I have to deal with what cards I have been dealt with… I HAVE TO LIVE FOR MYSELF AND WITH MYSELF and if I am not happy how can I make another and the extended family happy…and WHY should I…???
    And even after doing everything that is expected of a married girl..no one is happy then what the hell…just live your life girls and make your own path as you ARE worth it…

  41. Praveen Gupta

    Great hypothesis! Enjoying being married recommending others not to do seems hypocritical. I grew up with six sisters, and absolutely believe in their being a better creation. Interdependence is a human nature, so is the social association. As in your case, the second marriage is a liberating experience. It’s the issue of how to make a friendship and evolving relationship more friendly, empowering and fulfilling. Love to hear from women in this regard.

  42. What are you trying to say? Don’t marry? while you yourself already married twice?? It took you two marriages to realize that you shouldn’t have married at all.. In today’s world women are independent, men and women together run their own families.. marriage is a social institution.. if we don’t marry the world will be a big jungle…animals mating and having babies. Children not sure who the parents are..The society has a structure and your deep rooted desire is to break the structure.. If this article were to talk about girls being smart enough not to get into bad relationships, I would have appreciated it. Today’s marriage structure is changing.. many Indian men and women settle out of their own parents’ home due to work, many women don’t change their names, men help in household chores. I believe your daughters need better guidance

  43. Anonymous

    Well written and extremely apt article, more of such are needed today to help give perspective to people before tying the knot. I say today, because its the time where we feel that the problem gender discrimination is better, or it doesn’t affect the rich or the urban or me. But it does, every single day. Every harsh response posted here to this article shows the need for voicing such opinions even more. Some cases might be different, but think of the million women in India suffering in suffocating so-called marriages who have grown up thinking that they’re alive to be someone’s wife or bahu and that’s their ultimate salvation.So even when things get terrible, violent to the point of inhuman, they don’t believe that anything wrong is being done to them or that they actually have an alternative, it is unimaginable to most. Therefore, even though i do agree that everyone is entitled to their opinion and life decision, such articles and opinion sharing is of utmost importance today. If for nothing else, than to get us to think about it enough to respond!! Reading this was like a breath of fresh air

  44. What I’ve taken from this is.. ladies please do get married if you want to. Just not to Indian men.
    Indian women shouldn’t cross off the idea of marriage just because Indian men don’t have the right values. Why shouldn’t women marry because one part of the world’s men population isn’t right. Marry men from other cultures.. you won’t have to quit your job, you won’t have to handle child, home and other duties all by yourself. You’ll have a partner for a husband and not a boss!! Why should we not get married because someone else’s thoughts are petty. Get married to the right one! Be happy! And show them how it’s done!

    • Anonymous

      In the West we have lots of Indian men increasingly being fed up with the attitude of India women and marrying white women. These women increasingly respect our cultural, family and spiritual values. Indian women are quick to demonize Indian men, but are they innocent – no.
      The Indian women who pursue typically white men out of hatred for their culture and values more often then not end discarded after their “novelty wears off and of course whites have no interest in our culture and family value. Then no Indian man wants them and they end up on the shelf with a cat.

  45. Agreed

  46. So well said! You are so lucky! Your daughters are so lucky to have such a an loving mother.

  47. Anonymous

    well I too am an Indian mother and have advised my children not to marry I agree with you full heartedly…..

  48. Anonymous

    Hi mam, I am a 22 year old woman married (just recently)… While I just got through your article… I can understand what you could have went through at that point of time and in your situation… But I have question… Instead of asking men or even women constantly to change their ways! WHY DON’T WE START THE CHANGE???? Yes.! Only when we start the chance…it can happen…. however ever the marriage is it is in our hands to bring up the kids…. When they are our next generation, and when we know that we were bought up wrong… Why don’t we bring them up in a correct way? If men think making tea/coffee or even laundry is women’s work… It is we women as a mother who teaching our kids to be an ass… If instead we teach them from the pre kg that works are to be shared, teach them basic cooking, senses to RESPECT WOMAN, majorly and injecting this fact in his mind that a WOMAN IS TOO A HUMAN BEING, as similar to him just with gender differences… May be we can see a bright future…
    I am sorry if I am harsh at saying… But I feel change starts within…but I guess I am sharing the facts! The day when we start being just behind the boy kids, like our mothers did as we were girls, asking them to be at home by evening 6pm and outings after that…. That day when we asking him where he had been all this while, that day when we make our boys understand that they too have responsibilities to be taken, I guess a change can happen…
    I don’t know how far I am correct by saying this, but we as a woman somewhere are still copying our mothers while raising kids, that day when this change starts happening our generation will change.
    I am sorry if i am wrong, but I hope you understand…
    The extent we make our next generation understand this fact that be it a boy or a girl, that every other person is a human has their emotions and personal views, make them understand what is responsibly, what is sharing, what is love and care. Teaching them to be on ground, loyal
    I guess we can make a quite better future!.
    I didn’t write this to hurt anybody’s emotions, I just wanted make people understand instead of blaming our older generation for making us this way, why don’t we change our younger generation to be the next creators?
    It all matters in the outlook we see things. I guess many of us have heard this phrase “be the change you want to see in others”, look at the world with the new eyes, and see how things change.

    • Anonymous

      Well said 👏👏👏🙏🙏

    • Anonymous

      👍🏻

    • Anonymous

      Well said,Agreed wiith your points

    • Anonymous

      True… I am blessed with a son and he is 7 now.. I do involve him in helping me in managing things at home, sometimes in kitchen in too…. Agreed if we women can do all the things like jobs, business, raising kids, ….Men should also treat their partner equally and help them in basic things equally there should be no shame or ego ….
      So what if it’s a boy…. He needs to understand that I am your mother not a maid…. You need to treat your partner equally

    • Anonymous

      Absolutely. Can’t agree more.

    • This I agree with totally.We need to bring up a society of thinking, respecting and caring human beings where the son of the family is not taught anything different from the daughter of the house….BUT having said that…at a marriage ceremony..the bride is still the one who walks down the aisle for a man who is waiting, the groom is asked to kiss the bride..why cant that change to “you may now kiss your groom??” Traditions,religion and society have a paralyzing effect on the world we live in.What needs to change is us NOW…how WE bring up the next generation and in that I agree with the fact that marriage is NOT the ultimate goal EVER…It is NOT another box to be ticked and done before the biological clock starts ticking…
      Life is a gamble and I have to deal with what cards I have been dealt with… I HAVE TO LIVE FOR MYSELF AND WITH MYSELF and if I am not happy how can I make another and the extended family happy…and WHY should I…???

    • Anonymous

      Well said. Very true

  49. Interesting article, and I feel for her… but I disagree. I see marriage and having children as a very viable option with many benefits. You pair up with someone for a lifelong commitment. You have a best friend to share ideas with as two heads are better than one. You have a friend to support you and bring you comfort in a world that is tough to survive in alone. You have someone who can legally sit by your bedside when your children are being born, or if you are sick in a hospital bed. Someone who will always notice and care about whether you live or die. Also, the points that the author tries to make indicate a sense of hopeless acceptance of the status quo, with no openness to things being different in a newer generation. We’re not living in the 1800’s. Women don’t have to change their names. They would leave their home anyway even if unmarried, usually right after college. Both spouses have to adjust to their in laws. As for housekeeping, staying unmarried does not get you out of doing housework. In fact you have to do more work when you live alone, as you have no one to share the chores. You mow your own lawn, shovel your own snow, etc. Anyhow, I just wanted to provide a different point of view for all the unmarried youth on here, to let them know marriage (and/or live-in partnership) is a very good option in life. Of course it may not be for everyone, and you need to be picky about who you choose as a life partner. As long as both parties are flexible, well-meaning, and respectful, it can be wonderful. And having children and grandkids will continue that sense of family and belonging, for the rest of your life.

  50. Souravi Bose

    I dont agree with your opinion. Marraige is a time tested institution and i have full respect for the same. Any relationship where there is no commitment, may not be a sustainable. If the institution of marraige is abolished we will only see, single mothers, fathers, multiple partners, troubled childhood and a totally confused and collapsed social structure. I think a better alternative, is to educate all girls and make them financially independent. Dowry system needs to be totally eradicated. All boys from childhood need to be taught household odd jobs and trained by the mothers that there is nothing wrong to do your own chores. Boys should be trained to respect girls and think them equally capable!!! Marraige or no marraige should be a person’s personal choice!!! I am very happily married, I have managed my career well. I have a supportive Mother in law and I definitely want my son to enjoy the same marital bliss, which I m blessed with!!!

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