I must be the only Indian mother in the world to advise her daughters never to get married. EVER. Everyone laughs when I say this. Indian mothers are notoriously obsessed with the nuptials of their sons and daughters. I must be joking when I advise against it. I must have had a fight with my husband, you all snicker.
But I say it in earnest. Marriage has nothing exceptional to offer a woman in the 21st century. Even today, the institution continues to follow age-old patriarchal values that place the financial, physical, emotional and social needs of the husband above the wife’s.
It’s still the woman who changes her name, leaves her home, adapts to a new family, becomes the default in-charge of the housekeeping, social relationship-building, elderly care and childcare, and gives up her job when the babies are born. Indian girls have new aspirations to step out of the home, work and fly, but Indian boys still expect someone to make them tea and ensure that their clothes are laundered.
Essentially, marriage reduces a woman’s power and increases her responsibilities.
If you’re lucky, you find a husband who is loving, caring and mindful of your needs, though he has no special obligation to. People urge you to be thankful for your blessings as if it’s a precious gift only a few can possess. If you’re unlucky, you’re insulted, criticised, disregarded and ignored, or beaten, raped and treated like a punching bag. People say it’s a domestic issue and tell you to ‘adjust’.
Most Indian marriages, however, are somewhere in the middle. How good or bad they are is irrelevant. Marriage is a prerequisite to living, like roti-kapda-makaan-shaadi.
Till a few decades ago, marriage – for women especially – meant security, social acceptability, a source of income, children, and a companion in old age, all of which were worth the effort. These days, however, women can very well have all of these while single. So what do they need the burden of a husband for?
As someone who’s been twice married, you may consider me an authority on this matter. Both my marriages were poles apart. One was arranged; the other is of my own choice. One was a prison sentence; the other was liberation. One was a hell of fear and hate; the other was a paradise of love and desire. One left me broken, bruised and powerless; the other has given me wings, healed and nurtured me. Both led to my spiritual development. Both helped me to introspect and find myself.
But here’s the thing: you don’t need marriage to do that. Not anymore.
Yes, my husband today is a good man and my best friend. But we both agree that being married has not added anything to our relationship except for social sanction, which was a big deal for my generation. But it doesn’t have to be for yours.
What I’ve learnt about marriage (a happy one or an unhappy one) is that it’s never about the other person, it’s about you. Every day is a new journey into yourself, your own insecurities, fears, social anxieties, and suppressed pains and triggers. Marriage certainly isn’t going to cure them. You still have to do the spiritual self-work yourself — in addition to someone else’s housekeeping and laundry.
Men can be amazing lovers, wonderful companions and they are very useful for sex. But you don’t need to marry them to enjoy them. Claim your freedom, respect and desires. Let the guy earn you every single day. Men are best behaved on their toes.
I secretly long for the day when a whole generation of Indian women will reject this outmoded institution in favour of meaningful, equal relationships. That’s when entitled Indian men will change. That’s when society will evolve and we will #SmashThePatriarchy. Till then, have one lover or several, have kids, have pets, run a house, run a company, follow your dreams, fall in love. Just don’t get married.
Update, 2.24 pm: My husband says he has nothing to do with this article. Please stop messaging him your condolences. (But he does hope all boys who planned to propose to our daughters read this.)
Update, 25 August 2020: I changed the lead photo because the original one only showed one of my daughters. Here is me with both of them. And the back story and retrospective of this article is here.
First published in eShe’s March 2019 issue. Read this article in Hindi here.
Discover more from eShe
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
eShe 
I totally agree with your thoughts. Very well written. I didn’t wanted to get married as i believed in exactly what u had narrated, but had to follow parents instructions back then in 1990’s. I have a son, but i often advise him not to get married too. I am not a fan of institution of marriage, the way it is in our culture or at least the way i have faced it.
LikeLike
Hilarious! What an immature way of handling a pretty serious issue! Try to focus on what changes need to be made to make the system more acceptable and make it work for both parties. And to all those who do not want their daughters to marry, I really wish you live long enough to see their old age. Marriage is beyond sex. Sex you can get anytime anywhere without any bond. There are certain things that only marriage can bring, be it a man or a woman. Please stay true to your words and not let your daughters marry. I am one hundred percent sure they will, and at that point you will say it was their choice. People think they are very smart when they rubbish something. Use your brains wisely and help real people get over pre determined mindsets. Not like this, writing some dumb piece of utter nonsense.
LikeLike
Mr. Anonymous …. with no guts to reveal your name you tell the women that they are guiding wrongly ! Wow …
Nothing is guaranteed with marriage. What life long companionship are you talking about when the length of life is itself not guaranteed to be long enough. Haven’t you seen hustand dies young leaving behind wife and child or cholden. After that husbands family want’s control over the children especially if it’s male otherwise fearing society the husbands family takes care … but what kind of care …. a burdensome care. Now if deceased husbands family does not want additional responsibility they clearly distance and the widow with or without kids is forced to return to her home of birth. All situations she is left destitute … what did marriage Bring her ? Nothing but burdens.
Growing old together …. what crap …. on the same lines as above.
LikeLike
This is sooo well written, Aekta and delighted to know women like you exist. As you said, marriage is definitely not a necessity. I would rather be in love with a guy without any written agreements, but bonded by trust, respect and love (in that order please) than marry someone just to “conform” to social norms. Many married people I know are having extra marital relationships, majority of them are men and their reasoning – “I provide for my family” and when asked whether they would be ok with their wives having a relationship outside of marriage, that doesn’t go down well. Indian women better get their act together…
LikeLike
You are speaking the truth even though it might be unpalatable to many! If I were born a woman in this generation, I wouldn’t marry ever!!!!
LikeLike
You are speaking the truth even though it might be unpalatable to many!
If I were a woman born in this generation, I wouldn’t marry ever!!!!
LikeLike
This article doesn’t sound good if it is coming from a woman who’s married twice. Let me ask you a question- why did you get married then? If you are referring to the dayghters of India, then I am an Indian daughter, I would love to get married, prepare tea for my husband and make kids. This piece of advise you must give to your daughter, there are so many daughters who wants to get married, everybody have their perceptions and choices. Its so negetive regarding marriage and telling our daughters to fall for several! There are so many positive aspects to marriage, why highlight only the negetives? It shows somewhere you are unhappy. Marriage is both a mixture of positive and negetive and thats life.
LikeLike
Feminism is the new Hindutva I guess. Was enjoying the article till I read the line ‘Men are best behaved on their toes.’
I understood the kind of mentality that works behind such writing.
LikeLike
Agree with you. I loved the article too… but that line about men being best behaved on their toes, was a little out of sync and uncalled for.
Barring that one statement, i wholeheartedly agree with the rest of the article.
Our generation has had to conform to societal norms – here’s hoping that with these kind of articles and discussions in open forums – our daughters won’t have to.
LikeLike
Superb… 👍
LikeLike
Please don’t spread this kind of messages.
Let your daughters not marry who cares.
Let others do..many have many dreams about there better half and many get inspired by this stupid things.
Who asked to maintain relationships before the marriage with someone and marry a guy and divorce him later saying I am still having him in my mind..do the boys look like stupids to bear all the nonsense after getting married and getting ditched.
This is my personal experience..I faced the problems and bloody hell no one cares about it.
Who asked them to marry if no intention of staying together and why the hell they are falling in love and maintaining relationships ?
Only the people who suffered know the pain.
LikeLike
You are not the only Indian mother campaigning against the traditional dictum of roti-kapda-makhan- Shaadi. I have three daughters and I remind them quite frequently to live life on their terms and not scarifice their wishes at the altar. If marriage happens then so be it but don’t go actively searching for it or believing that life is complete only after marriage. Like you said, marriage does not have anything to offer the 21st century woman so why bite?
LikeLike
Yes dont get married. Have sex with strangers. Be a single mother.. and have fun..
LikeLike
How about those girls who got only in marriage those very conditions which you feel your daughter can have only when she is single? Different strokes for different people. Though I agree that the paradigm of marriage being a male gravitated lifelong event has to change.
LikeLike
I really liked this article. This is exactly what marriage is all about. And when we are capable of earning and have a goal in life, marriage is the obstacle. And it’s like I have seen mind set of people in India, their ancestors have taken a huge loan and to repay that they start to sell their son.
All they want is a lady with whose money they can enjoy the rest of their lives and expect to treat them as someone who can take care of their household needs…. Disgusting !!!
My father and mother gave their entire live for my education and upbringing and is it that they are saving to give their life long wealth for their daughter to turn into someone elses maid…. Lol. Get a life… A husband in my definition is a friend….and yes an emotional support only if you are lucky. .else a big burden…. Hahahaha
LikeLike
One can be happy , independent and free in a marriage or remaining single . The choice is yours.
LikeLike
People like you are useless and try to spread useless practice. Don’t marry…… Then why were u married? First enjoy and then advice people not to do that…. We have married women in our family and all are very happy with their lives. I have unmarried women in our family who are taking depression pills as they have no objectives in their lives…… Way to go….
LikeLike
I completely agree with u on this topic, which is why I also say every day that I will never get my daughter married. I rather do not want her to be a part of this culture. She should have all freedom in life, do whatever she feels like. Earn, learn and create her own destiny.
LikeLike
Thank God I have my AdBlocker on.
LikeLike
I totally support your thought. Marriages cut off the wings of girls who can fly high in the sky by taking their freedom away from them.
Though I am happily married but I still feel that I might have done much better things in my life if I would have been single.
LikeLike
r
LikeLike
women should not cry that they are married and marriage is the worst thing one can ever have ! the fact is that marriage is a very important part of a human life and its just a part of life , i have always seen womans complaining about there marriages , rather you should soulve your problems and just be happy cz its just a part of life . and more over some women work in call center and do jobs in some cafes and all and ther think that they can do anything or are really can become equal to mens ! womans please if you want to get equal to men go join army serve fight for the nation , its a fact that most of the woman are physially weak that mens ! if you want to be equal just become equally fitt as mens !
and marriage is the best thing one can ever do ! both for men and woman ! its just you dont know how to handle it and just be happpy !
some idiot woman can just not suggest simply not to marry ! teach them to take their own decision and choose there partner !
so that they can not cry afterwards like now you are criying !
LikeLike
Why teach sons and daughters differently, teach them everything equally and with same perspective..Only bliss of a marriage is the gift of a child,not necessarily we need a marriage for that but sailing against the tide is not always an option as its a great loss of energy. These lines are KILLER : “I secretly long for the day when a whole generation of Indian women will reject this outmoded institution in favour of meaningful, equal relationships. That’s when entitled Indian men will change. That’s when society will evolve and we will #SmashThePatriarchy. Till then, have one lover or several, have kids, have pets, run a house, run a company, follow your dreams, fall in love. Just don’t get married.”
LikeLike
These have been my thoughts forever. I love the article. I believe in every word you wrote. Loved it!
LikeLike
You wrote what you feel and that is absolutely fine. Expressing is not wrong. But to generalise it, is not correct either. They are your daughters and you naturally would like to decide for them based on your life experiences. I completely agree with these thoughts. On the contrary, marriage for me has transformed me into a person I never knew I could be. Not that I grew up into something miraculous but I evolved very positively and my husband is one of the best men in this world. He is my soul mate and I can’t imagine how my life would have been without him around. Loving husband, caring partner, jovial man, sincere worker, doting father, figure of kindness to the world, humble, polite, down to earth man. So, i am not here to count my blessings but to say that marriages depend on many things and not just our mindset that all men are not great husbands. Good luck!
LikeLike
Very well said ..himani ji 🙏
Keep rocking and may God give all the happiness to u both 🙂 u and ur hubby 👍
Very few value their husband and u r surely one of them.
(Men just need/just expects care from his better half and nothing else …no idea when this world will understand this)
I know the pain of having the worst life partner..where she ran away after one month from my home saying… she just married me so that she can just run away with her boyfriend by fooling everyone ..even her parents.. so that she can say to world that i tortured her and she can get married easily..after 3 years of mental torture and struggle I got divorced and won the case which she has put on me…!!
Truth always wins and I have won..
For everyone please respect ur husband/men..to be frank. No husband stops her wife dreams ..inturn he will be very happy when he sees ur smiling face ..which he don’t show it outside ..but we internally feel it.
LikeLike
I completely disagree to your view madam. Definition of marriage has changed.. it really has. To the generations before mine marriage was a social custom where a woman was bound to adjust. But for me and many of my generation, marriage actually means getting my best friend for life. We have frictions in every relationship. Then why only pointing out marriage? And your husband is Never your ‘burden’… Rather the one who shares your burden. It is definitely important to value your own identity but at the same time have respect for the others too.. men and women are two wheels of a bicycle. None of them can work alone.
LikeLike
Well written.. Well said..
I married after living in for a couple of years & agree that my reasons for marrying have been proved wrong over the past 25 years ago.
Back then, my father reminded me that Marriage is a social obligation and a license to have children. Nothing seems to have changed.
I am lucky Marriage worked for me.. I appreciate the companionship.& support the most.
LikeLike
1. You are not the only mother to say it. So please keep your ego with yourself
2. Having 2 marriages does not make you an authority.
3. If your 2nd marriage comforted you, you should know that marriages can be great. If the person is right and they support your dreams, it can work wonders if you are a team. 2 people who love each other deeply can do so much more than one person alone.
LikeLike
Agreed
LikeLike
Lol
LikeLike
Can’t agree more. We both loose the entire essence of being human once you are in marriage. The so called claim men think they are doing any obligation to take care of the family, is a false notion created by patriarchal society. Factually it’s mostly other way around which goes unnoticed n the blame game keeps going.
You rightly said it should become more respectful n lovable relationship in the end only that matters. So why marriage is the only way to do. It doesn’t mean you become an animal, but have mutual respect n space. No marriage, gives much sanity, to explore your potential. It’s very evident divorce rates have gone higher n keep going to unless we understand the root cause n work backward. There is no right or wrong answer I think but it’s definitely a Big Question… What is a Marriage?
( Disclaimer: This is only in my personal capacity).
LikeLike
I am the other mother who always shares the same view….and i never hesitate to tell that to my daughter.
I was also once a daughter like all of you.So i understand what would have been if i was given the opportunity
LikeLike
This article is disturbing. It’s a major slap in th face of all the good men in our lives. Something so heavily opinionated shouldn’t be shared among the impressionistic young women out there, especially since it promotes promiscuity. It taints the admirable, respectable culture of Indian women. I feel really bad for those who live their lives with this credo in mind – it shows that you lack the ability to respect the people around you.
LikeLike
Once Sati was in culture of Indian women. Marriage is a legal and social bond developed to build culture in our lives. But men in married life are still chauvinist, abusive and knowingly or unknowingly disrespect and take women for granted. I liked the core meaning of the article addressing the RESPECT FOR WOMEN, which is lacking in all classes and in all stages of women’s life.
LikeLike
Thank you so much ma’am for voicing this. I agree 100% with you. I truly wish that as many people read this and recognize it. I would like to appreciate you for not letting the general society’s opinions and backlashes get you from sharing this publicly.
LikeLike
I lovvvvvved every single line of this article…. I read and re – read this piece though it’s 1 am in the night and now I’m busy sharing it on whatsapp!
LikeLike
With due respect, I strongly disagree..
I really feel pity for ppl like you who just give a wrong picture to thr daughters in the name of feminism and independence.
The child ..boy or girl if unable to take responsibility it shows the poor parenting.. because the guardian nvr taught them in entire life that caring, love and respect is not one way development it needs sacrifice, affection and respect for others.
Our history spks about many powerful women in India who not only conquered in many ways but also maintained the decorum of life simultaneously.
Yes I also disagree with such hypocracy where male dominates woman but same time strongly disagree with Ur such statement which is showing the picture of one side..
Stop culturing such words and statement out of your personal experience and step outside to see how ths days good husband are suffering because of such girls who feel marriage is just a matter of duty and if things doesn’t work as per thr so called independence thn depart..
LikeLike
Well said.. you know one thing, at the end they will realize why both gender need each other to live an happy life. Well it’s their life, their choice and the outcome is also theirs to experience.
LikeLike
Thannnnnnnk you for writing this Ma’am!!! It’s like you have echoed the thoughts of an entire generation!
LikeLike
I am glad that I read this article. It is a relief. I do not want to get married until I am ready or I find the right person. However, society is kind of forcing my family and indirectly me to take this matter seriously and get married before it’s “to late”. Honestly, I too feel that it is not going to change much, but I will have a person to share my life with. But do I have to get married for that? If I choose to just have a companion, will the society respect me?
LikeLike
It’s sad to read this article and I do feel sorry that you had to go through hardship in your first marriage. However advising your daughters not to get married at all is not right according to me. Although I understand this is your personal opinion. I got married two years ago and I must say I couldn’t have been happier. Perhaps tell your daughters don’t get married for the wrong reasons. Marry because you want to, because you feel it’s the right thing to do and never feel pressured by anyone whether you should or shouldn’t marry. The decision is theirs to make. I am quoting you – ‘Men can be amazing lover, wonderful companion and also very useful for sex. You don’t need to marry them to enjoy them’. What are they? Some object? How would you feel if a man had written the same lines as you have for women. I am sure you would be fuming mad! C’mon respect them for there are men who are amazing son, husband, father, lover, friend, etc. Dont generalize such statements….it does not project the right message.
LikeLike
Totally agree with this
LikeLike
Beautifully written
LikeLike
This seems like the right attitude. Never say never! Thanks for your feedback…
But ya, marriages for social acceptance is irrelevant now.
LikeLike
Oops! I was replying to one of the comments above. ☺️
Respect women. Respect men. Respect yourself. Respect the other…
Respect: that’s the keyword
LikeLike
Well said.. I had the same in my mind.
LikeLike
Everyone has a choice to marry or not to marry. After being married and realised what people sold me, is not actually what happens in a marriage. Society sold to me that marriage is the best thing that could ever happen to a women and the next thing after marriage comes kids. However the reality is that, being an Indian female, I had to sacrifice my religion, my surname, my family, my studying and just enjoying life for the happiness of my husband. I would be regard as a bad wife if i did not sacrifice my history.
Why do females have to give up their surnames which they had for the past 20 odd years of their life, to be erased in a second and adopt a new surname? Just because it is socially correct!
For me personally, I 100% agree with your statement, instead of teaching our daughters that your life is not complete unless you get married. Rather teach them to be independent, teach them to be strong and bold, teach them to brave.
And for our Sons, teach them equal rights for females and males, teach them also to be strong.
LikeLike
More technically it’s one’s choice to marry or not to marry. But not convinced to ur words on sacrificing different aspects because of marriage. India’s ancient research is very wide on all these aspects and we are simply reinventing now. Marriage has been always a means to build community and nurture next future with full responsibility. But the rules and regulations that are brought in makes marriage life miserable to many. And changing the surname after marriage is purely scientific.. So that you don’t end up marrying your brother in far relation and welcome many diseases.
LikeLike
It’s a bad way to marry out of social norms alone. What counts is how a person grows with the other and you don’t need the society to tell you how to learn, grow and adapt. That’s exactly what you need to learn on the way.
Marriages as defined in vedic texts is a purely for spiritual growth. We have lost the spriritual part and clinging to the social part still. It’s how my last generation sees it and nothing more. ” Our social duties “, however stupid it sounds, i can’t tell them on the face since they are so emotional about it.
Well written and much needed for women to know that it’s okay and handle the social pressure from the family.
LikeLike
So True. If someone had to give one word for marriage or world be – responsibility. It means nothing more than that. In today’s world when there’s so much to do, this institution is definitely not the only way to live. Yes, one can also marry at 40 or 60. Now there’s no taboo. Only if a woman is dying to have babies and get burdened by duties, should she marry. Wish this wisdom had dawned earlier……
LikeLike
“Hear bear, sister” 🥂
LikeLike
Love the idea. Very convenient for the men too.
LikeLike
💯 agree to what you said and it’s exactly what I think for my daughter’s too. We don’t give them birth for others slavery . It’s time to enjoy life at their own “WILL” and not to worry when we mothers are always there for back up. Thanks for putting up this awareness to our princesses.
LikeLike
I so agree with this article. In fact, there have been times when I’ve also asked my youngest sister to not get married and just lead her life the way she is leading it now – FREE. Will definitely advice my daughter also to do the same when she is of an understandable age. But then it is solely her decision to get married or not.
LikeLike
if you do get time, try to study the matriarchal societies from Kerala and how they were set up. You’ll be presently surprised as to why the Malayalee society is distinctly different and on a different trajectory
LikeLike
They are no more matriarchal. Here too, even among the elite groups, abuses are rampant. Kerala is no exception.
LikeLike
Love this piece. You’re not the only Indian mother. I’ve singularly and unwaveringly believed this for over a decade now, twice married myself and mother of 3 kids, a boy and 2 girls, and I’ve told ask my the kids the same thing. Marriage as a legal honest with the Govt or to appease social norms is simply not needed at all, though thanks to my ownvery happy second innings with the M word, I’m a great believe of a marriage of two people in their ideologies, vision, and growth propelled forward through respect, love, trust, mutual understanding and support. As long as these qualities are there, having a companion is very fulfilling, but to have that one still doesn’t need to sign on any dotted lines.
LikeLike
Absolutely well expressed views..girls should be independent, confident & motivated to lead their lives on their own terms..Need lot of courage to take such decision but I believe its definitely better to be unmarried than being divorsee..
LikeLike
I agree with you.
LikeLike
Nice thoughts.
Greatest element of change is ‘Time’.
Those were the old days, when typical Indian society was governed by men and was tagged as ‘male dominated society’. The problems those days deserve great sympathy categorically.
Today, 21st century–where liberalism is observed and experienced in majority of Indian societies, we as individual shouldnt allow past to interfere or overshadow the future.
We should cultivate a habit to learn from and improve the future. Rather than, patenting a thought on today’s kids (in your case daughters) – ‘not to marry at all’. Since it really doesn’t solve the problem.
Evolution has been human tradition so far and it could be in many and any walks of life.
Its not only abt personal, physical, monetary, family desires that can be achieved out of marriage, but there comes a stage where you should choose stability in life and help others.
Good day.
LikeLike
Absolutely agreed and believe me I want to say exactly the same to my daughter n all the young girls out there. ” Dont marry for being financially & emotionally secure ” . Infact marriage these days cannot ensure any of these both. Earn your own money, enjoy your own freedom. Live your life and have a companion if need be .
Thank you so much for penning this down so well. I wasnt able to gather courage to express it openly anywhere on social media. But I am very sure many women now would agree to this. Kudos to you dear.
LikeLike
Do go against the nature all animals are happy because they do not challenge nature it is only human beings who are bent to change law of nature. G
LikeLike
Well said
LikeLike
True, the law of nature does not talk about marriage. It is about a man and woman being together and procreating if required.
And this article is nothing against that.
LikeLike
This writing is outcome of a personal life. This is not true in general society. Ya this is true that we have many problems regarding marriage life but those issues after marriage is only the outcome of individual liberty of both sides. I am not saying to tolerate injustice but take action instantly or communicate instantly of any problem, not wait for the time. The problem is within us and both partners are equally take part in this. Some times we found wrong partner but that doesn’t mean ki we should stop doing marriages.
I have much more to say but that can’t be possible in this msg.
LikeLike
Don’t you worry… you have the similar thought mother of two beautiful daughters who have always advised them to never get married… and if at all, they would like to then the guy will come and stay at our place… i m not gonna send them anywhere… they will always live the way they have been brought up with those values, food habits, beliefs, pampering, comforts etc.. and the guy will make all the adjustments…
LikeLike
Parents should allow the kids to take their own decisions.
LikeLike
You mentioned you have two beautiful daughters. If you had Son then would you send him to Girls house whom he would Marry.
More appropariate option would be to let husband and wife settle together separately. Wont it?
LikeLike
True.. If she had a son then she will not talk like this.
LikeLike