I must be the only Indian mother in the world to advise her daughters never to get married. EVER. Everyone laughs when I say this. Indian mothers are notoriously obsessed with the nuptials of their sons and daughters. I must be joking when I advise against it. I must have had a fight with my husband, you all snicker.
But I say it in earnest. Marriage has nothing exceptional to offer a woman in the 21st century. Even today, the institution continues to follow age-old patriarchal values that place the financial, physical, emotional and social needs of the husband above the wife’s.
It’s still the woman who changes her name, leaves her home, adapts to a new family, becomes the default in-charge of the housekeeping, social relationship-building, elderly care and childcare, and gives up her job when the babies are born. Indian girls have new aspirations to step out of the home, work and fly, but Indian boys still expect someone to make them tea and ensure that their clothes are laundered.
Essentially, marriage reduces a woman’s power and increases her responsibilities.
If you’re lucky, you find a husband who is loving, caring and mindful of your needs, though he has no special obligation to. People urge you to be thankful for your blessings as if it’s a precious gift only a few can possess. If you’re unlucky, you’re insulted, criticised, disregarded and ignored, or beaten, raped and treated like a punching bag. People say it’s a domestic issue and tell you to ‘adjust’.
Most Indian marriages, however, are somewhere in the middle. How good or bad they are is irrelevant. Marriage is a prerequisite to living, like roti-kapda-makaan-shaadi.
Till a few decades ago, marriage – for women especially – meant security, social acceptability, a source of income, children, and a companion in old age, all of which were worth the effort. These days, however, women can very well have all of these while single. So what do they need the burden of a husband for?
As someone who’s been twice married, you may consider me an authority on this matter. Both my marriages were poles apart. One was arranged; the other is of my own choice. One was a prison sentence; the other was liberation. One was a hell of fear and hate; the other was a paradise of love and desire. One left me broken, bruised and powerless; the other has given me wings, healed and nurtured me. Both led to my spiritual development. Both helped me to introspect and find myself.
But here’s the thing: you don’t need marriage to do that. Not anymore.
Yes, my husband today is a good man and my best friend. But we both agree that being married has not added anything to our relationship except for social sanction, which was a big deal for my generation. But it doesn’t have to be for yours.
What I’ve learnt about marriage (a happy one or an unhappy one) is that it’s never about the other person, it’s about you. Every day is a new journey into yourself, your own insecurities, fears, social anxieties, and suppressed pains and triggers. Marriage certainly isn’t going to cure them. You still have to do the spiritual self-work yourself — in addition to someone else’s housekeeping and laundry.
Men can be amazing lovers, wonderful companions and they are very useful for sex. But you don’t need to marry them to enjoy them. Claim your freedom, respect and desires. Let the guy earn you every single day. Men are best behaved on their toes.
I secretly long for the day when a whole generation of Indian women will reject this outmoded institution in favour of meaningful, equal relationships. That’s when entitled Indian men will change. That’s when society will evolve and we will #SmashThePatriarchy. Till then, have one lover or several, have kids, have pets, run a house, run a company, follow your dreams, fall in love. Just don’t get married.
Update, 2.24 pm: My husband says he has nothing to do with this article. Please stop messaging him your condolences. (But he does hope all boys who planned to propose to our daughters read this.)
Update, 25 August 2020: I changed the lead photo because the original one only showed one of my daughters. Here is me with both of them. And the back story and retrospective of this article is here.
First published in eShe’s March 2019 issue. Read this article in Hindi here.
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Very well articulated. It’s true today’s women don’t require marriage for completing themselves. It should never be an obligation on a girl to get married.
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Let people live their life, who are we to preach.
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It was a good read until I read the sentence..’men are best behaved on their toes’ …
I am not sure what that makes you a feminist or a person who really wants these men to be on their toes for you.
I don’t fully disagree about the concept you shared.. but it’s not how u should put it. All are human beings .. and all that nature expects us to be respectful to anything or anyone. Let’s not disagree to the fact you might have had bad companies.. but there’s all kinds of two feet all over the world..which can’t be generalised.
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Yes. You are absolutely right. Let people decide what they want. I am still figuring out the needs of the author to write such a piece.
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Truly said… Marriage should not be compulsory for the girls….in this male donminating society. I totally agreed.But on other side it is very difficult to convince our elders 50-60 plus for this especially who lives in joint families…
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Im 50 yrs old still unmarried still looking for someone to settle. My own auntie even told me to be simgle due to her only daughter getting abused & divorced later. When i was growing up used to read western feminist books & that influenced me the wrong way. That changed when i got older & started working as a lawyer & being spiritual. We need to change perception that choice of getting married is different nowdays. We need to look whithin ourselves whether we can handle the tough situation. By telling of not getting married just a simplistic approach of avoiding the marriage institution.
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Thank you for this article, and to all those in the comments above who strongly disagree with your views, then all i can say to them is well done, you must have landed one of those rare species of man that values you, loves you sincerely and treats you right. I wish someone had told me some 30 years ago that I didn’t need marriage to complete me. I am University educated and come from what I believed a progressive and modern family born and bred in South Africa. But even here we girls were raised to believe marriage was our ultimate goal. I married a man who I believed was my Prince Charming, handsome, sexy and with a brilliant personality. Sadly, these traits, as well as his huge ego fostered by a doting mother and two older sisters, meant that he believed and continues to believe that he is better than me, and to this day, although i remain married to him (for financial reasons I simply cannot leave) he has to find other women to pander to his ego. I have on so many occasions found him engaging with other women via social media. He has had affairs with at least two women that have confessed this to me, he says these were merely emotional/platonic affairs over social media. Each time I am left feeling worthless and simply not ‘good enough’. So yes, I do wish someone had sat me down and said to me to go live my best life on my own terms without thinking I needed to have the prefix MRS attached to my name.
Having said this, I am the mother of a son, who I have made sure I have raised to be independent (he lives on his own in another province, cooks, cleans and takes care of himself since he started University at the age of 18). I have also raised him to view the opposite sex as his EQUAL and to respect women as such. I pray every day that these values will take him through life, and make the right choices and decisions when it comes to healthy and mutually respectful relationships.
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I was saying the very same thing to my husband, why do our girls need to get married unless they really want to. That makes 2 of us!
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Bestest thoughts n advice 👆
We need a healthy society n a progressive nation .
Not an aging lonely n generation in depression. But happy contented ppl. living as a unit who always hv something to look forward to in life !
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Sounds very exciting on paper & so Bindaas. What Freedom- But no stability no responsibility of the man in your life -nobody to share your woes & joys when you want -worse life than we can foresee. Either no kids or have a marriage which is a40-60 if not 50-50 balance of sharing & caring& feeling Belonged
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Strange but aren’t you mixing an institution of marriage with patriarchy? It’s very easy to type in an e-article inviting appreciation. But have the respondents seriously considered what they appreciate or agree to? On FB if you put up the picture of a funeral you’ve been to saying you are heartbroken and grieving, there will still be a hundred likes !
It is for India to teach it’s daughters to grow independent, as also to make wise choices. Equally important is the need to teach our sons the respect he must have for women as also the ability to be independent at home.
Much as anyone may wish it otherwise, naturally and biologically, it is still such that the female of human species are engineered for childbirth which is an amazing experience or does the author disagree?
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Imagine a world where a woman never got married and enjoying in live-in relashionship. Got pregnant got child as she also wanted to experience and enjoy the motherhood.. 5 yrs later she separated from first partner. Now enjoying life as a single mother. Involved in another man after few years. First child is now 7 yr and confused with mother’s constant changing relashionships. Meanwhile this woman is pregnant from other man and this time also it is her choice to have that child. Second child is born. 3 yrs later second relashionship is broken too. Now this single mother with 2 kids and… is she enjoying life ?? Are kids enjoying such family atmosphere ? What values this woman passed on to her kids ? Enjoy life on your own terms. That’s so cool. But how long such enjoyments would last ? How long such woman be not taken for granted for one night stand by her co-workers ?
And here is the twist… the world above is actually what happens in USA today. Broken relashionship, broken childhood , broken adulthood and broken old age.
Every freedom comes with responsibility. When you are giving such a power to your daughters remember they are still vulnerable to all the bad that a society has to offer.
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You are certainly not the only mother to speak like this. I’ve said all this and more to my two daughters. I want them to find soul quenching love but it doesn’t have to be then confined within marriage.
Grandchildren are also not to be expected, too much pressure on our kids. Follow their soul blueprints and live life as the free spirits we were all meant to be.
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You should have told that to yourself before getting married the second time. And I am no authority or advocate of marriage but oh god ! Stop giving a one sided opinion of a maniac miser who is critical of an institution . Marriage is not the problem, lack of live n respect is. Also the only reason one should not get married is if they are not in love. But don’t demean the entire institution altogether.
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It is a biased article. Not a generic one .Men are not only the source of problem. Nowadays Women’s are going on same pathway. They are on same path.
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Wow….u nailed it…beloved d article… I too so regret getting married n I hope my daughters don’t get trapped in this bond.
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Great article. Agree with it. Just would like to add that even raising sons need a change. They should be made aware of the fact that marriage and kids are as big a responsiblity for husband as is for wife. No gender is entitled to something by default.
Today, Marriage (only talking from Indian / Asian aspect) and responsibility of Kids gets highly skewed towards females in the equation in 90 percent of the cases. That problem should be acknowledged, this pattern should not be supported by society and most importantly, the husband should act like an equal partner in every way. Only then it makes sense for a female to marry and have kids. Else, by all logic, they should stay away from marriage and having kids, which becomes a chakravyuh for females eventually.
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Firstly , let me say , I loved reading your article. It’s really well expressed . Well, one writes from their own experiences, like Divya Tunkalia Khandelwal mentioned. There are some really lovely parts to your article, especially the one which speaks about how it’s about how we are at the end of the day, our journey , our growth. Or how spiritual we become in the whole process, irrespective of our experiences.But would you be able to write like this or be richer in your experience without having been with two diametrically opposite partners? Why would you want to take that experience away from your kids, be it a girl or a boy? Well, this isn’t about you having daughters or me having sons. It’s about life experiences. Yes, you may have your own logic to prove to your daughter about why she shouldn’t have to take second hand treatment and rightly so; her needs are as important as any other boy’s on this planet. However, it’s HER life and HER journey. When she grows up , she will fall in love , and it should entirely be her choice whether she wants to just live in or marry her partner. Parents can only guide and offer lessons from their own experiences, like you have. .I also think , the urban set up is a very miniscule percentage of upgraded and emancipated women who would want to think on these lines. I agree that you don’t need marriage to complete yourself, but it surely provides as an excellent lesson in cohabitation and old school values such as respect, patience , tolerance and empathy with a member outside of your own family when you grow up. How to be an effective team too.And it’s a big , big lesson to miss out on . Also, I do call myself an optimist and would like to see the pros than the cons as this is true for any relationship which you experience. At school, at college, at work with bosses or colleagues, only there we have an exit route from the mirage of emotions we experience, we can quit them we we can’t take it anymore. These days , marriage also has the exit option very commonly used .
Am just being a devil’s advocate and urging you to be somewhere in the grey and not be so conclusive in your judgements about life. Even though I know you have enough reasons of your own to do so. We , as parents ,become so sure of our learnings( and some of them may be right too) that we blindly , in a view to protect our children from hurt , want to pass it on to our kids. I also find myself doing it , but I often have to introspect and stop myself from the same. Because what was and is truth for me , need not necessarily apply to my sons’ lives . Warm regards, Aparna
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Nicely written article.
According to me, First be financially independent. When you think you are confident enough financially, if you get a compatible guy, you can think of marriage. But marriage n becoming a mother can never be mandatory for a woman. Its your life, you are the driver of your own life, noone else. Its your body, you will decide whether you will bear children or not. Dont let others to take the decisions on behalf of you.
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Read your article , just after this discussion with my dad……. going to share it with him to let him know that there are other women out there who feel this way!!!!!
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U are not the only one, I too don’t believe in the institution of marraige.
Awesome article and loved reading every bit of it
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though I do not disagree with what you have written here, but just curious to understand, do you also advicate such thinking for guys who gets trapped in money minded and the lile girls who either sppil the lives of the families n guys or put some false dowry allegations. Thats because I have seen such things happening and it is increasing day by day!!! …??? Let us focus on making the society a better place to live, we all k ow there are problems! And trust me its everywhere with every gender. To maary or not is a personal decision, what matters is being a subtle human being. All such arguments are actually serves nothing! You will get a lot of agreements to your thought here and I am surely to get a lot of flak but I am sure no one will understand the intent of this comment. People will reply for the sake of giving an amswer. Good luck!
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I tell the same to not only my daughter but my son too. If we are teaching our daughters to be financially independent, why aren’t we teaching our sons to be self reliant and run a household
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Lovely article 😁
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I enjoyed your article, and can almost relate to it. However, instead of “don’t get married” I would prefer telling my daughter that she should get married when she finds a companion who understands her and respects her and not because she HAS to get married.
But well written.
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The best ever fact explained in simple… Superb….
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What if one is already happily married but still wants wings to fly, to fall in love, to feel someone’s love not becoz Ur doing their household chores but because they genuinely want you to feel good because they feel good about it …. Some may see this as a preposterous thought for a married woman, but then again, don’t we all want some love just to feel the warmth?
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Why so biased with your thinking.
It’s both ways these days.
U can’t blame men for everything.
U need to be strong enough to stand for urslf.
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Same here..
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Hey Aketa …….long time. How are you? This picture you are with your daughter……gosh she is grown up now.
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So true and so real. I just can’t tell you how deeply I could connect with every single word of this article. You are so bold as your thoughts are amazingly beautiful. Congratulations for the personality that you wear.
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This is just a thick headed conception of marriage. I would never say this to anyone- male or female. I understand your frustration with the indian patriarchy and the pressures put on families, but marriage can be a strong bond between a man and woman, from which children learn to embrace their faults and differences. We need to teach the future generations to see the value of being loved and sharing love by sharing responsibility and respect for each other. That’s what marriages show. It’s definitely not for amateurs but some one who takes relationships seriously .
Companionship is a wonderful entity and entertainment which can also go wrong several times…. and then you are left with no trust and faith in any one. The concept of being single will only lead to depression and loneliness. I hope I never know it.
That’s why affairs seems so rosy and exciting and once it’s over it hurts so badly .
Do you use men like a tool when you need to? Like animals do?
How does that thinking have an impact on the male?
What are they for?
What do we do with all the men around us?
You can never get peace in many relationships and then definitely gets depressing when you are old.
I agree the patriarchy has gone for too long , but it’s because we have let it happen. And I don’t think it’s a reason why marriages fail. It’s basically a lack of maturity and understanding among couples. I don’t understand that we take on the “burden of housekeeping and laundry”, That’s so vain a thing to say.
I am sure men are aware of these changes as much as we are and I wish that they learn to look upon us with dignity. But shunning them off is not going to help with the situation.
I would advise my children to wait for the right person to come along and then once married to become the best friend through life.
Do think again. Good luck!
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Bestest thoughts n advice 👆
We need a healthy society n a progressive nation .
Not an aging lonely n generation in depression. But happy contented ppl. living as a unit who always hv something to look forward to in life !
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Bestest thoughts n advice 👆 putforward by Nishi Jish.
We need a healthy society n a progressive nation .
Not an aging lonely n generation in depression. But happy contented ppl. living as a unit who always hv something to look forward to in life !
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You speak my language. Simple and succinctly. Thank you for this !
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Love the power u have poured into ur lines.
The thoughts are something every human kind is entitled to…then are we not human enuf to celebrate this freedom?
Thank your bold words.
Good luck yo ur daughters.
Nevertheless wud like to add a line…if they find their like and wish to settle down…may tht come thru as per their wish.
And still may they enjoy the life they are born to lead!
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I am the 2 nd woman in the world after you who tells her daughters u don’t need marriage to be happy. Don’t marry- I will be the happiest. It’s a relief when my elder daughter lists things she wants to do as she grows up and marriage is a big No. become self independent. Marry a man who tries to deserve you. I like Anushka abd Deepika Padukone for this. If you don’t find a good match, Katrina Kaif is rocking too 😬
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Totally agree with u dear..nevertheless story of every women…
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Am glad to find someone else brave enough to voice such opinions. Totally agree that the social structure today leaves us with no doubt that a woman does not stand to gain anything with marriage that she cannot have without it.
While our daughters are ready to live independently and without marriage, unfortunately our sons are nowhere close.
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I really didn’t like the way you are suggesting to keep men at toe only then they will behave well is not a solution.
Dominating a particular gender is not a solution. Husband and wife should become as friends only then their relationship will work.
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Your article raises a more fundamental question in my mind. A man currently assumes the superior role in a marital relationship with a woman. But if women reject the institution of marriage itself, they will actually take away the raison d’etre for men to exist. Women can take care of themselves financially and physically. Even reproduction requires minimal male participation today given the leaps made by Science. Companionship can be provided by other women, often much better than men. So what do you need men for? Sex? Emotional nurturing? When we take away the requirement of men for reproductive purpose, it will only be a matter of time before men stop mattering for emotional relationships also.
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Sorry to say, your article is such a narrow minded view on marriage and what it means to men and women. Men behaves best when kept on their toes? What kind of an advice is that for young girls? Do you think any kind of relationship works this way? If this is the approach to a marriage, then no wonder it crashes and burns! It is unfortunate that you have had bad experiences but that shouldn’t cloud your judgement on what a marriage means. Women/men should be empowered to leave any unhealthy relationships. The institution of marriage needs a change in perspective and need not be eliminated if one finds happiness in it !
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U r right… If any lady is teaching her daughter.. “men behaves best when kept on their toes”. I wonder What wil she teach to her son if she hs one.
The best is to teach daughter’s their boundaries n their limits in this institution.
Write an article fr boys’ mothers…on how to respect a lady in this institution. Tht wil be d best work fr society.
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Perspectives are just not enough. Marriage is useless unless there’s mutual respect, care, love, accountability, and the freedom for each spouse to pursue their own passions and goals in life. If not, it’s a meaningless societal arrangement – PERIOD.
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I agree with your observation. I wonder if men realize that partially it is their fault but are they aware that their roles and significance is slowly drifting away from them.
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Yes beautiful article.vwell written. I have two sons and my husband dumped them on me and left years ago after leaving me emotionally mentally physically financially unstable. Any advice for them and me. I wish you could publish an article on me.
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Someone called this a one size fits all ideology..asking generations not to marry they said is so generalistic.. so simplistic.. no ma’am it’s not generic or simple.. such an ideology today is Necessary! Thank you for this article.. even if it’s only response from most girls is a relieved sigh and smile that there are people moving away from the age old doctrine that we had made it our life’s mission to propagate. I adore you and salute your thoughts! 😊
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Hi Aekta
First and foremost admire your guts to pen this gospel truth. Marriage is unfortunately, a very overrated institution in most parts of the Indian society.And there is nothing feministic in admitting this.Hell or heaven can take turns in any relationship but till we raise a sense of equality in both genders we are only breeding abusive relationships. While I know it’s finally a choice, at the same time one should understand that not all will have the same circumstances propelling them either to delve or not delve into this choice. Awareness and empowerment to speak up and share on this can be phenomenal. And you just did that. Have a good journey sharing!
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Amazing, Ma’am. Thank you for planting the seed. And now, I hope to see this tree going strong. I am 19, and we are DEFINITELY on the same page. Marriage. Or no marriage. It’s a choice. One should be free to choose. ITS ALL ABOUT A CHOICE. A good partner is hard to find, but if one does – why not? But if not…. ( most-likely ) the idea of a single woman, leading a life on her own means, should NOT BE looked down upon. 🙂
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I don’t agree with what is written. You can be independent, free but middle and old age is going to be very difficult. We see a lot of people who lived well until middle age but then after that normally people go into depression and even suicide. They don’t get to see any drive in their lives. They would have a decent place to live and good carrier and all luxuries but nothing to look forward to.
If people are focused on religion or even social work, they may find some fulfilment.
Marriage is not for ametuers, for matured people or at least people who are willing to mature.
We can be intellectuals but emotionally we would be still ametuers, that why many people don’t succeed in marriage.
Love is to will the good of the other….but normally people look forward only to receive.
When you are at the receiving level, you are still at I’d, being a child psycologically.
Our schooling system doesn’t create emotionally qualified people only intellectually qualified people, that’s why we are good at carriers but not good in life.
Our education system doesn’t incorporate life skills….
Feeling sorry for the present world!!!!
Jini Lobo
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HAHAHA!
Thanks, Aekta
My partner and I have never labelled each other with the societal names of a couple. I believe, love is simple and let it be like that. Don’t spoil it by using labels, marriage, norms, rules etc.
I hope people get this in their minds and I’m not saying Marriage is wrong but you can do everything without marriage too & not judged for it.
Thanks!
More power to you, Happy Women’s Day! ( To stronger women )
Love n laughter,
Amreen Luthra
Corporate Trainer, Personal-Growth & Image Coach.
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Loved every word
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Hey Aekta, i almost felt you read my mind. When a man can afford housekeeping, cook and babysitter at some expense they must spare the woman aka wife who is finally doing all this for him. At the end, a woman doesn’t have any gain and left emotionally empty(if your partner is not one coming out from a yash chopra movie).
Struggling to find a sense of events staying together after 7 years of marriage, you spoke my heart out
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Soo true..nice article..thinking just like me
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Such fine unadulterated thinking 🙂
Crude yet how so true. ❤️
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I am 37 year old, not married. But I don’t like this one-size-fits-all solution. Teach daughters to have better boundaries, not not to be married. You are passing on your own judgement on to children. I would rather teach a child the value of companionship and to not settle for less. But asking generations not to get married is generalistic. And simplistic.
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U can teach Ur child, but what ABT others. The problem is women r changing but men r not. And the treatment for men is not changing which is another serious topic.
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Men have not changed because their mothers have not changed or have not introduced that change in their sons. Just as you as a mother are suggesting your daughter to be independent of marriage I think a mum should advise her son to respect the woman and the institution of marriage then I am sure daughters need not fear the institution of marriage or the man they choose to be their life partner.
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Well said Sukanya!
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Very true
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Agree with you …it’s all bull shit don’t understand wht she wants to teach
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Completely agree sukanya, why enforce you views on your children. marriage or other wise. then what is the difference between parents who enforce their kids to get married and you who enforce them not to get married. Learn to be their coach. Don’t play their game, let them play it on their own. You have played yours so sit back
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You seem to think like me
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I really love this simple piece. Although I have a wonderful partner . But would like to do advice my daughter the same . I just want her happy and settled. Whatever that means 😘. Very well written
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हिंदी अनुवाद ज़रूरी है इस लेख का
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ठीक है, करवाती हूँ 😊
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wow …Its so true…love you fr writing this..
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Love the article 👍
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ये लीजिये : https://eshe.in/dear-daughters-hindi/
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