“I found self-love in the face of chaos” – one mother’s journey of defiance and hope

By Eshaa Patnaik

Have you ever felt frustration and fatigue engulf you totally? I was recently overwhelmed by complete all-encompassing frustration and helplessness to the extent that I became numb after a point.

It was only later that I realised that hitting rock bottom was good for me.

My situation reminded me of an iconic scene from the popular medical drama Grey’s Anatomy. In season 2, episode 24, Dr Meredith Grey, an emotionally complex and highly sensitive woman, is having a conversation with her ex-lover Dr Derek Shepherd, who is jealous about Meredith being involved with another intern at the hospital where they both work.

In a now-famous outburst, Meredith tells him, “You don’t get to call me a whore. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.”

This may be just a line from a TV show but its significance is multifold. It reflects freedom and choice in the face of suffering. The sentiments resonated with what I felt I needed to feel. But did not feel.

I didn’t know it then but I soon developed my own version of healing and responding to my particular chaos.

Being a primary caregiver to two loved ones – one with acute dementia and the other with mental disability – amidst a growing career in Bengaluru’s IT sector and a young family was chaos personified. Life, career, emotional and physical wellbeing were all put to the test.

But just after hitting my 40s, I developed the building blocks in processing my situation to keep myself sane.

One day, about a year ago, I just decided to let go of my constraints to express my fatigue to everyone around me. Gone was the dutiful mom, wife and daughter. I reached the rock bottom of my energy reserves.

I just shut the world out – my laptop, which defines me 90 percent of the time; my child, who was just eight years old then; my husband; and my mother and sister. I shut myself up in my room even as my son called out to me. I just sat there and refused to acknowledge anyone. Repeat, repeat and repeat for the next few months.

This, of all things, became a form of defiance. And that surprisingly gave me some sort of relief. It felt as if that one hour was mine alone and did not have to be shared with anyone else. I began to use the time to have my tea, read, ruminate over things past and present, and sometimes just sit quietly – sometimes with a cigarette for company!

It felt empowering and gave me tranquillity. It kept me sane. It ultimately gave me clarity on my priorities in life and better management of my situation. The key takeaway for me was to find self-love in the face of chaos. I eventually arranged for a good rehabilitation centre for my loved ones.

The lesson I learnt is that tomorrow cannot come until today is played out. The journey should make progress! And most importantly, there’s no better time to start than the present moment.

I now wake up every day feeling amazed at the possibilities – also known as challenges – that the world throws at me. I thrive in assimilating multiple responsibilities to create meaning and purpose out of chaos.

Tips to self:

Connect with other women: Build a supportive network of women or join a group for women who understand the unique challenges you face. Share your experiences, encourage each other, and find strength in your shared journey.

Advocate for yourself: Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself and ask for what you need at work and in personal life. Easier said than done but somewhere, sometime, you have to make a start.

Challenge societal expectations: Don’t feel pressured to conform to unrealistic societal expectations placed upon women. Embrace your individuality and define your own success.

Build connection and trust: By sharing my personal story, I am inviting others to do the same. Please feel free to reach out to discuss how you deal with your turmoil and how you manage it even if it feels like the worst thing you have done.

Eshaa Patnaik is a delivery manager at Dell Technologies, Bengaluru. Follow her on LinkedIn.