Rare View

Learning to Love the Woman in the Mirror

The universe taught this mother of two an unexpected lesson as a gift on her 45th birthday.

It was the day before my 45th birthday and this growing older business wasn’t going too well.

Though I’d been boldly letting my hair grey over the past one year, a candid video of me taken by a friend showed a streak of white only on one side. Totally tacky.

So I spent an entire evening trying out a new way of tying my hair so that the greys were less noticeable. I even took 360-degree photos, enlisting the husband to take the one from the back.

I had also become rounder than usual and my favourite kurtas weren’t fitting me anymore. So I had signed up for a week’s trial at a chain of workout studios, which had left me with aches and pains all over. And being surrounded by younger and fitter people had left me even more acutely embarrassed about my own age and weight.

And so, on the day before my 45th birthday, I was in a state of much personal insecurity and existential panic when I told my young, pretty yoga teacher: “I am going through a phase of self-transformation. I want to change my hair, my body, myself… How should I look? Who should I be next?”

She looked at me like I was missing the whole point. “You just have to be more of yourself,” she said.

Her answer stirred me. Then, minutes later, I got this message from Osho via WhatsApp:

“The first lesson: Love yourself as you are because existence loves you as you are. That does not mean you have to remain the same forever. In fact, this is the first step of transformation: if you love yourself, you will be able to grow quicker, faster.”

And then, unbidden, unexpectedly – like all major epiphanies – the tears came.

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and realised I was not seeking personal transformation out of self-love, but self-hate. Despite the quiet contentment and peace I had earned after years of some personal struggle, spiritual practice and a lot of divine grace, I had also bought into social parameters of beauty that placed youth, slimness and homogeneity above wellness, inner radiance and diversity.

woman-in-mirror

Tears rolling down my cheeks, I told the woman in the mirror: “I love and accept myself exactly the way I am.” I said it over and over and over, but something was wrong. It didn’t feel true. I saw an old fat woman with a silly crying face looking back at me. I did not love her at all.

She cried even more.

Then a voice in my head suggested I chant another mantra to reach her: “I love myself the way God loves me.”

For some reason, this fit better. Gradually, the woman in the mirror stopped crying, and I began to see her through God’s eyes. I saw the loves and the griefs and the pleasures her body had been through; those ample hips that had borne so much; those streaks of grey marking the spot that multitasked between her missions, responsibilities and passions; the rounded shoulders that had carried so many burdens; eyes that had seen so much darkness but had learnt to seek the divine in it all.

God loved her just the same – every cell of her chubby body and her dark circles and her grey hair. That’s why she was the way she was. And who am I to reject God’s will?

Happy 45th birthday, I said to the woman in the mirror the next morning. I bow to the light in thee.

First published in eShe’s June 2019 issue

Advertisements

3 comments on “Learning to Love the Woman in the Mirror

  1. Ruchira Gupta

    Hi Aekta,
    Its so exhilirating to read your post and feelings. I have learnt to love myself the way I am with lot of difficulty and inner working. I am 56, colour my hair, my round pregnant belly shape has stayed and now more protruding with menopause. I work with people my daugher’s age and that make me feel unhappy sometimes seeing their slim bodies and stylish dresses. I overcome this difference by staying happy and cheerful and active with yoga and Nichiren Buddhism. I am what I am and proud of the fact that I can still work as actively as any youth. Yes, God loves me and so do I. Happy 45th to you!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s