I must be the only Indian mother in the world to advise her daughters never to get married. EVER. Everyone laughs when I say this. Indian mothers are notoriously obsessed with the nuptials of their sons and daughters. I must be joking when I advise against it. I must have had a fight with my husband, you all snicker.
But I say it in earnest. Marriage has nothing exceptional to offer a woman in the 21st century. Even today, the institution continues to follow age-old patriarchal values that place the financial, physical, emotional and social needs of the husband above the wife’s.
It’s still the woman who changes her name, leaves her home, adapts to a new family, becomes the default in-charge of the housekeeping, social relationship-building, elderly care and childcare, and gives up her job when the babies are born. Indian girls have new aspirations to step out of the home, work and fly, but Indian boys still expect someone to make them tea and ensure that their clothes are laundered.
Essentially, marriage reduces a woman’s power and increases her responsibilities.
If you’re lucky, you find a husband who is loving, caring and mindful of your needs, though he has no special obligation to. People urge you to be thankful for your blessings as if it’s a precious gift only a few can possess. If you’re unlucky, you’re insulted, criticised, disregarded and ignored, or beaten, raped and treated like a punching bag. People say it’s a domestic issue and tell you to ‘adjust’.
Most Indian marriages, however, are somewhere in the middle. How good or bad they are is irrelevant. Marriage is a prerequisite to living, like roti-kapda-makaan-shaadi.
Till a few decades ago, marriage – for women especially – meant security, social acceptability, a source of income, children, and a companion in old age, all of which were worth the effort. These days, however, women can very well have all of these while single. So what do they need the burden of a husband for?
As someone who’s been twice married, you may consider me an authority on this matter. Both my marriages were poles apart. One was arranged; the other is of my own choice. One was a prison sentence; the other was liberation. One was a hell of fear and hate; the other was a paradise of love and desire. One left me broken, bruised and powerless; the other has given me wings, healed and nurtured me. Both led to my spiritual development. Both helped me to introspect and find myself.
But here’s the thing: you don’t need marriage to do that. Not anymore.
Yes, my husband today is a good man and my best friend. But we both agree that being married has not added anything to our relationship except for social sanction, which was a big deal for my generation. But it doesn’t have to be for yours.
What I’ve learnt about marriage (a happy one or an unhappy one) is that it’s never about the other person, it’s about you. Every day is a new journey into yourself, your own insecurities, fears, social anxieties, and suppressed pains and triggers. Marriage certainly isn’t going to cure them. You still have to do the spiritual self-work yourself — in addition to someone else’s housekeeping and laundry.
Men can be amazing lovers, wonderful companions and they are very useful for sex. But you don’t need to marry them to enjoy them. Claim your freedom, respect and desires. Let the guy earn you every single day. Men are best behaved on their toes.
I secretly long for the day when a whole generation of Indian women will reject this outmoded institution in favour of meaningful, equal relationships. That’s when entitled Indian men will change. That’s when society will evolve and we will #SmashThePatriarchy. Till then, have one lover or several, have kids, have pets, run a house, run a company, follow your dreams, fall in love. Just don’t get married.
Update, 2.24 pm: My husband says he has nothing to do with this article. Please stop messaging him your condolences. (But he does hope all boys who planned to propose to our daughters read this.)
Update, 25 August 2020: I changed the lead photo because the original one only showed one of my daughters. Here is me with both of them. And the back story and retrospective of this article is here.
First published in eShe’s March 2019 issue. Read this article in Hindi here.
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eShe 
Keep on writing absurdities in garb of nonsense words. It is evidently clear that you are highly confused creature on beautiful earth. Life is not there to experiment one s entire basis just to prove one wrong.
Life is about deriving sweetness from dry moments. Its about equality of human beings instead of causing rift on genders. The marriage as system simply protects not only individual stake holders but also their progenies.
Better stop talking vague baseless unproven words which belongs to aborigin and tribal worlds where this moron writer belongs to
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This whole article just makes me sad and confused…
The author writes to women to not get married, after having been in a bad marriage, and now allegedly a good marriage. You contradict yourself in saying that your current marriage is liberating you and healing you and nurturing you… So if that is the case, why would you advise women to NEVER marry and never allow themselves to experience something as wonderful as you have described it to be?
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Absolute wrong and false message to society. You want freedom for your daughter but other end you impose your thoughts on her. Let her decide what to do and what not.. You should lead by an example, if you had lived the type of relationship which you wrote then you can preach your thoughts.. If not don’t spread false message to society and coming generations.. You say men are useful for sex? How wiered. Your article is purely feminist and shows your selfish attitude. How many fathers a child should bear if women’s have several lovers?. At old age people will regret not getting married. With such destruction of cultural, family values people will be left alone in their old age and die alone as their child will have no emotions to take care them. If You feel marriage doesn’t add anything to relationship, then why are you still together, lead the life you mentioned, and then write your article.. There cannot be gender biase as each person is special creation of God. Not to forget women empowerment was supported by men only.There are always different types of people in world. Some like marriage and some may not, it’s upto them to decide. I feel pity such people exists..
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Agree sir on every golden word you have written. Mwahhh
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Agreeed to each n every point
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Without getting into the merits of the argument , why do women( including the author) realize this AFTER marriage ? Has she ever tried convincing a woman of marriage age who has not been married and see her response.
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We never see the real picture before marriage…. Everyone seems super liberal and open minded before marriage. The minute we become wives and daughters in law, things change and we’re left gaping in shock.
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Hello 🥰
Highly appreciated ur views ..
Being an unmarried daughter & highly eligible for marriage to my parents , have motivated me by reading this article..knowing d fact that I will be loosing my individuality some way or d oder for sure, the system is so highly prevelant that the society keeps peeping you along with my parents.. parents r supportive in all phase of my life but m sure they will not act d same in this case.. in simple language, the two person who entirely focussed growing me up by giving every possible happiness that they can to d extent, how can I make Dem unhappy for d dream they have also grown for my marriage & settlement to give me a better life in the extended family..
I know my heart ❤️ says no to marriage but my 💓 says to make Dem happy for their wishes , no matter this is not only reason that will give happiness to them or d only way, I have many reasons given or yet to give Dem for deserving happiness from me.. I love my parents.. a little sacrifice for them 😑😊 (mixed feeling)
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Little sacrifice hahaha…wake up girl…
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Very well written.Fully agree with the views.Marriage is a defunct practice in the 21st century both for men and women.It is a silly practice and one should wonder how such a stupid practice has hone on for time immemorial.
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Hindu institution of sacred marriage does not contemplate divorce . Marriages of girls are happily performed with utmost trust and faith in the age old custom . Divorce law was only a later development.
Boys,their parents can pretend and vouch for themselves,lure reputed girls for alliance, marry the girl, and thereafter start domestic violence on her. Professionally well qualified, economically empowered and reputed girls may find difficult to initiate legal process and remedies for their sufferings against husband and in laws as the existing law is not
found conducivee for redressing their sufferings especially when their professional standing,pressure on time,systemic impediments, harassments etc are considered .The husband in such scenario can force on her to give consent for divorce.In such bad scenario, where living with him is found risky even to her own very life,she may desperately give consent for divorce by mutual consent without insisting for any compensation,thereby prefer exit from marriage, taking it as her fate like an accident happening .In the process,she gets the stigma of married and divorced girl for no fault of hers. Husband Boy who abused the very institution of marriage,committed acts coming under domestic violence easily escapes, avoids giving even slightest compensation to her for ruining innocent girl’s married life, though he has done enormous damage to well deserved married life of the girl and deserves stringent punishment nothing less than a rapist, gets protected as he has wisely done it under colour of sacred hindu
institution of marriage.Still there is no law to book such criminal minded boys who may continue their habit of searching another unsuspecting prey and ruin marital life of girls . It is a real case where a highly merited super specialist medical doctor girl underwent an arranged marriage with all good expectations in life with an Ortho surgeon boy working in a reputed hospital .A well qualified boy and his apparently decent parents successfully concealed their real trait which no one could judge in first instance. The victimised Girl primarily and her aged parents have to suffer all along their life whereas wrongdoing boy can triump and indulge at another similar venture.Since she is empowered as a meritorios super specialist doctor,she has confidence of leading her life alone. But if not empowered,what would have been her position? Daughters are equally precious like sons, giving best education and empowering them be primary concern of all parents.
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So true
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I have told my children also to not get married until they find the partner who will respect them and share the responsibilities equally. Somewhere I think the fault lies with those women who have not taught their sons to respect women and have put them up on a pedestal just because of their extra attachment. Until the day comes when every Indian woman teaches her son to care for the fairer sex and stop emulating their abusive and cantankerous antiquated dads who are still sadly around even today despite their impressive qualifications, I think girls should just remain single.
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i totally 100% agree. These women have bred Monsters and thy continue to do so all in the name of family values,
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Why do you phrase this as women should teach their sons? Men can also teach
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Well said
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Loved it and very eloquent!!
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inspiring
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For some people, everything is black or white !
I am sure people will pick useful things from this article.
Thanks for a different perspective.
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Women liberated men liberated kids psyched……back to primitive era….breaking rules is the easiest ……leads to chaos …..look at the west….I would love my daughter to have a loving family ……..May our wishes be fulfilled
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very well said
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Ms. Aekta , many of us women do not agree with what you wrote as we can see the world changing and the men too. They are helping us in raising our children and helping in household chores while handling their hectic work schedule. nowadays women praise their husband more as they see how much effort they are putting in the marriage. I agree not every men are good and supportive husband, similarly there are many women too who are horrible wife and worse mother, having extra marital affair. Not only the men here to blame for. Humans wheather men or women are imperfect by nature. What you are suggesting is not a solution for women. At the present situation where people are losing out communities, becoming lonely in life, family is the only support they can hold onto. Women feel biologically to become pregnant and raise kids and you cannot suppress that feeling. They naturally feel to raise the child and take care of the house , you cannot impose your own thinking on other women. You have to hear other women too who think just the opposite from you. Indian society is different from western societies. Indian society is all about family and community and it has a strong influence of the Hindu culture . That is the way we have evolved and our belief system evolved and I see nothing wrong in it. we have seen our mother’s working, independent, strong and capable, they loved to obey the elders of the family. This is our culture and I am proud to be an Indian women. I feel sad for your husband. Even you got love for the second time in your life , you have got everything positive from him still you are influencing your daughter’s and other women to stop marrying. My only request to you that keep your advice to your family and don’t spoil others life who are leading a happy life and might just gobble your words without seeing the other side of the life and create a disturbance. we get one chance to live and we should have all the experience being a women . There is nothing more beautiful than becoming someone’s wife and mother. Absolutely Nothing is more beautiful for a women than this. In this international women’s day I salute to all the mothers, wives and sisters out there .. be proud of what you are and don’t try to change yourself and your happy life. Stay blessed.
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The same can be applied to you as well..chill and do what you think is best for you…the author has expressed her opinions….read it, take what you want and get on with your life..doesn’t matter whether you’re a bharatiya naari
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I salute you madam…. For this splendid understanding and reply…. India is great…..
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Hi Pryanka, you gave a superb reply to the stupidious article which is ridiculous and harmful to our society. I am a man, I feed by 2 year old child, I change her nappy, I make my kid bath, brush in the morning and play with her in evening. I sometimes cook for my family (Very happily) and I believe at home when a lady cooks for her family she equally feel happy and satisfied. It is never about man or woman. Equality does not mean that lady stops doing all the house chores, enjoys extra marital affairs which is said in this article and man leaves his job and start doing house chores. Equality means sharing of responsibilities. No work is less important than other. In fact earlier society was much better where man use to earn for family and lady use to run the show with available resource. In this was it was a complete balanced society and the amount respect husband wife have for each other is marvellous. I feel that love and affection is now missing in our generation because of such pathetic writers and articles who misleads society.
Mam you earned my respect for your matured thoughts.
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@nisharg…sir, i think the author clearly did not include all men in the category of home bred monsters. Let’s admit it, even in today’s world, there are men who impose their sickening patriarchal mindset on women. For those who respect and love his woman, this article does not apply. That being said, I appreciate the husband and father you are to your family.
All societies evolve, and we evolved too. Gender related duties like you mentioned (“earlier society was much better where man used to earn and lady used to run the show with available resource”) are slowly crawling into the past. Has it ever occurred to you that atleast a few of those ladies who ran their homes those days did also have ambitions, goals or even a career, before she was forced to take up her role as a dutiful housewife? I personally know many cases like this from my mom’s and even my grandmother’s generation! How i wish they too had a chance to live these times where we are coming out of the clutches of gender related duties.
Now, just because a man and his wife both work, doesn’t mean that they lack love, affection or respect for each other. I feel when they both are breadwinners and share household duties equally, the love and respect only increases. And sir, our generation doesn’t lack love or respect to our partners. That’s just a myth. We love our partners with equal affection that you have for your wife or the generation before you did. I have mine and many other lives to put forward to you as proof.
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Madam… I think Ms Aekta is not at all imposing her views on anybody…
And she too has freedom of speech.. apko nahi pasand aaya… U can avoid, but it doesn’t mean she is spoiling others… Bdw, everybody has brain and reasoning power to get influenced by such article or follow her own way of thinking..
And let me tell u one thing,it’s not compulsory to produce kids, I don’t get that natural feeling of being a baby producing machine, then raise them and take care of the house. I don’t feel like spoiling my body shape and goin thru labour pains and stitches all around my stomach.. but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel good bout being a woman.. I am a proud women and want to just keep it excelling in my professional life rather than doin household chores..n I don’t find anything wrong in that. Not I feel anything extra after being married despite of the fact that I have got a good husband so what by marrying me he also got a wonderful wife.. but still I don’t feel anything important for being married, as simple..
Yes…all those who are not independent, ofcrs for them marriage still plays a important role and I firmly believe that if I would have not been earning then I would have dependent on my marriage for all the world pleasures one can seek for..
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trying to post, it’s not letting me
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I second you on this….u have said everything….
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I agree with you totally…
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Well Priyanka, you said “there’s absolutely nothing more beautiful than becoming someone’s wife and mother” . Point taken. That’s what you feel and that’s what your perspective is. I respect that. But do consider the fact that there might be women who consider other roles they assume in their lives as more beautiful than being a wife or mother.
The author made her thoughts on a public forum just as the way you did with your thoughts on the comments section. Just because your beliefs are different from her’s doesn’t mean her words are going to “spoil” others’ lives. And if someone does spoil their life on the basis of an article or comment, my condolences are with them. They solely are responsible for what they do.
Live and let live. Speak and let others too speak. 🙂
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I agree with some of Priyanka’s points. The world certainly IS changing a lot these days, and there are some absolutely wonderful men out there. These men are caring, loving, supportive, hard-working, and have a hands-on approach to their marriage and even parenthood. These men exist! They truly are out there – I married one, myself. I recognize that we are all entitled to our own opinions, and I simply wish to share mine with you all based on my own marital experience and definitely not to “blast” anyone here. I’d love to hear other’s thoughts on this whether they disagree or agree!
In my marriage, my husband shares all of the responsibilities with me – cooking, cleaning, finances, social events, getting groceries, car maintenance, home maintenance – you name it, we work together! We don’t have any babies yet but that’s a hope for the future for us. Based off of the kindness and encouraging nature of my husband (and the way I see him deeply loving our nieces and nephews), I know that he will be an excellent father. I know that I will be responsible for feeding the babies (as I plan to breastfeed, if successful) but he will gladly help me with anything that he can help with. He supports me whether I choose to stay home with the kids, or if I choose to go back to work after taking a maternity leave. He wants me to be happy and pursue my dreams. He always encourages me and makes me feel loved. I do the same for him and care deeply about his happiness just the same as he does for me. We do our very best to make each other shine – it isn’t one-sided. We aim to serve one another in love, but we do not expect to be served by the other. If my husband would like me to make him tea, I know that it’s because he just really enjoys the way I make it, but if I asked him for the same, he would have the kettle on before I could even say “thanks babe!” We do these little things for each other, because it is kind and loving. He does not ask for me to do things like that because he feels entitled though.
If either one of us entered into our marriage expecting to be served, I feel very strongly that the marriage would be unsuccessful and fail quickly. However, because we are equal partners in life and love each other unconditionally, I feel that our marriage is strong, liberating, and the best gift I could have ever received from God. If I didn’t get to meet and marry my husband, I know that right now I would be looking for the exact same kind of man that he is. My opinion is that we should encourage both daughters AND sons to seek these positive qualities in a potential spouse, and to not settle for anything less – and to not treat their spouse as less than themselves. Men need to be raised as gentlemen and women need to raised as ladies. The responsibility does not fall on just men, or just women. As human beings, we all need to take ownership for our actions and behaviour towards each other, and treat each other with kindness, love, and respect.
Something I noticed from the original article that doesn’t sit well with me is that the author has a selfish view of marriage in saying that marriage is about yourself. I disagree with that, as I view marriage as two becoming one. This does not mean that a woman “loses her individuality” (or that a man does either). I am proud to have taken my husband’s last name, because it means that we now share that family name and have made it our own. We are together! It’s not about it being his name over mine – it’s about us sharing a name together, being a family, being a unit, being one with one another.
I am so sad for the author of this article (and anyone else who has gone through this) that her first marriage felt like captivity, and I can only imagine the horrible things that must have happened to her in the situation she was in. I am so glad for her though, that she feels loved in her current marriage. That’s wonderful to hear! I don’t know if I would necessarily call having two marriages in your life “an authority on this matter”. Maybe the wording is a bit strong, to me? I do think it means you have a lot life experience for sure though, and it’s good that you feel free to share your experiences with others.
The author also wrote about how a woman can achieve things a single woman and doesn’t need marriage to do those things. Yes, that’s true. However, I’d like to challenge that.
My thoughts are that a [good and healthy marriage] can help a woman to achieve those goals in an even easier way! How much more joyful would it be to get to raise kids with the help of an equal partner, the father? How much easier wouldn’t it be to get to pursue your career goals with the encouragement of your husband, and the ability to share responsibilities with your hubby, instead of it all falling on you as a single parent? I see singleness presenting added challenges to men and women as parents, because it often “takes a village” to raise kids. I only view this as adding challenges to unmarried individuals in comparison to a supportive and encouraging marriage – and not just to marriage in general, as unhealthy marriages can indeed cause more problems. How much wouldn’t it add to your life to spend your entire life with a wonderful spouse? To live a life that has been witnessed by someone – your very best friend and lover. To share in the joys, the sorrows, and all of the in betweens with him? To be encouraged, loved, cared for, and to encourage him back, love him back, and care for him, too? A husband should not mean you have a burden – and nor should a wife be a burden for her husband. You are precious gifts to each other!
Friends, there are wonderful things to look forward to in a healthy marriage. But you have to enter into it willing to humbly serve one another, from a place of unconditional love. No marriage is perfect, but marriage can be so amazing when you seek the best person for yourself, and BE the best person for your spouse. If you cannot find that in a person while dating, do not marry them. Ladies, marry someone you feel helps you to be the best version of yourself, AND who you want to help be the best version of himself. Don’t marry just to be married. Choose wisely and carefully, and please know that there is so much good that can come from marriage, if you have become each other’s truest and best friend and love.
I would like to leave you with this text from Colossians 3:12-16 – I have included this not to impose my own belief system or to try to convert anyone, but to share with you something that is the biggest part of my marriage, personally, and how my husband and I treat each other. What the verses are saying is that we should love one another and unite as one, showing grace and mercy to one another, forgiving one another and caring for one another (this is a paraphrase).
This was our wedding text and the foundation that we have built our marriage on:
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-16)
I’d love to hear others’ thoughts on this and I hope that I have spoken with words of encouragement, and not caused any hurt. Please let me know if any of this offends anyone, or if you have other thoughts to share so we can be open-minded with each other. Sending love to all who have read this, and to the author who has written the article.
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Part 1:
I agree with some of Priyanka’s points. The world certainly IS changing a lot these days, and there are some absolutely wonderful men out there. These men are caring, loving, supportive, hard-working, and have a hands-on approach to their marriage and even parenthood. These men exist! They truly are out there – I married one, myself. I recognize that we are all entitled to our own opinions, and I simply wish to share mine with you all based on my own marital experience and definitely not to “blast” anyone here. I’d love to hear other’s thoughts on this whether they disagree or agree!
In my marriage, my husband shares all of the responsibilities with me – cooking, cleaning, finances, social events, getting groceries, car maintenance, home maintenance – you name it, we work together! We don’t have any babies yet but that’s a hope for the future for us. Based off of the kindness and encouraging nature of my husband (and the way I see him deeply loving our nieces and nephews), I know that he will be an excellent father. I know that I will be responsible for feeding the babies (as I plan to breastfeed, if successful) but he will gladly help me with anything that he can help with. He supports me whether I choose to stay home with the kids, or if I choose to go back to work after taking a maternity leave. He wants me to be happy and pursue my dreams. He always encourages me and makes me feel loved. I do the same for him and care deeply about his happiness just the same as he does for me. We do our very best to make each other shine – it isn’t one-sided. We aim to serve one another in love, but we do not expect to be served by the other. If my husband would like me to make him tea, I know that it’s because he just really enjoys the way I make it, but if I asked him for the same, he would have the kettle on before I could even say “thanks babe!” We do these little things for each other, because it is kind and loving. He does not ask for me to do things like that because he feels entitled though.
If either one of us entered into our marriage expecting to be served, I feel very strongly that the marriage would be unsuccessful and fail quickly. However, because we are equal partners in life and love each other unconditionally, I feel that our marriage is strong, liberating, and the best gift I could have ever received from God. If I didn’t get to meet and marry my husband, I know that right now I would be looking for the exact same kind of man that he is. My opinion is that we should encourage both daughters AND sons to seek these positive qualities in a potential spouse, and to not settle for anything less – and to not treat their spouse as less than themselves. Men need to be raised as gentlemen and women need to raised as ladies. The responsibility does not fall on just men, or just women. As human beings, we all need to take ownership for our actions and behaviour towards each other, and treat each other with kindness, love, and respect.
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Part 2:
Something I noticed from the original article that doesn’t sit well with me is that the author has a selfish view of marriage in saying that marriage is about yourself. I disagree with that, as I view marriage as two becoming one. This does not mean that a woman “loses her individuality” (or that a man does either). I am proud to have taken my husband’s last name, because it means that we now share that family name and have made it our own. We are together! It’s not about it being his name over mine – it’s about us sharing a name together, being a family, being a unit, being one with one another.
I am so sad for the author of this article (and anyone else who has gone through this) that her first marriage felt like captivity, and I can only imagine the horrible things that must have happened to her in the situation she was in. I am so glad for her though, that she feels loved in her current marriage. That’s wonderful to hear! I don’t know if I would necessarily call having two marriages in your life “an authority on this matter”. Maybe the wording is a bit strong, to me? I do think it means you have a lot life experience for sure though, and it’s good that you feel free to share your experiences with others.
The author also wrote about how a woman can achieve things a single woman and doesn’t need marriage to do those things. Yes, that’s true. However, I’d like to challenge that.
My thoughts are that a [good and healthy marriage] can help a woman to achieve those goals in an even easier way! How much more joyful would it be to get to raise kids with the help of an equal partner, the father? How much easier wouldn’t it be to get to pursue your career goals with the encouragement of your husband, and the ability to share responsibilities with your hubby, instead of it all falling on you as a single parent? I see singleness presenting added challenges to men and women as parents, because it often “takes a village” to raise kids. I only view this as adding challenges to unmarried individuals in comparison to a supportive and encouraging marriage – and not just to marriage in general, as unhealthy marriages can indeed cause more problems. How much wouldn’t it add to your life to spend your entire life with a wonderful spouse? To live a life that has been witnessed by someone – your very best friend and lover. To share in the joys, the sorrows, and all of the in betweens with him? To be encouraged, loved, cared for, and to encourage him back, love him back, and care for him, too? A husband should not mean you have a burden – and nor should a wife be a burden for her husband. You are precious gifts to each other!
Friends, there are wonderful things to look forward to in a healthy marriage. But you have to enter into it willing to humbly serve one another, from a place of unconditional love. No marriage is perfect, but marriage can be so amazing when you seek the best person for yourself, and BE the best person for your spouse. If you cannot find that in a person while dating, do not marry them. Ladies, marry someone you feel helps you to be the best version of yourself, AND who you want to help be the best version of himself. Don’t marry just to be married. Choose wisely and carefully, and please know that there is so much good that can come from marriage, if you have become each other’s truest and best friend and love.
I would like to leave you with this text from Colossians 3:12-16 – I have included this not to impose my own belief system or to try to convert anyone, but to share with you something that is the biggest part of my marriage, personally, and how my husband and I treat each other. What the verses are saying is that we should love one another and unite as one, showing grace and mercy to one another, forgiving one another and caring for one another (this is a paraphrase).
This was our wedding text and the foundation that we have built our marriage on:
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-16)
I’d love to hear others’ thoughts on this and I hope that I have spoken with words of encouragement, and not caused any hurt. Please let me know if any of this offends anyone, or if you have other thoughts to share so we can be open-minded with each other. Sending love to all who have read this, and to the author who has written the article.
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Definitely agree with most of them what you said with utmost respect to you mam. Only point I would like to differ with you is. Yes, to stay in a marriage is a lot of compromise and struggle, but life does give you struggle to each and everyone in some way. We are never left free of struggle, not a single human being. A marriage probably teaches us to embrace and learn from that is what I feel. I feel it makes us more strong and something to look forward to. Entirely justy opinion. Probably a society without marriage(for both men and women except for a few), will just leave them to loose without any particular responsibility. Not every person is driven on their own. My very humble opinion. Saying so, I do acknowledge definitely many things that you’ve mentioned is very true but marriage does have something to add to many if not everyone.
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Well said
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I totally agree with you, beautifully written, each n every word written by you is what I exactly think of, well said mam.
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Good point. I agree
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Very nicely written article.. indian society thinks marriage means settling in life. We women(economically and emotionally independent) are well settled when we are single. That’s taken away when by marriage. It’s not helping each other to live a happy life.. its more like being hired to be a maid, nanny and a child bearer and raiser. We have to stand up for ourselves and tell what we need and how we feel. Sometimes it works. Ask and you shall receive, knock and the doors will open.
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Articulate and effective. DO agree. But men need to be acknowledged for the present state of our society where a woman can feel so empowered.
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Coming soon: The companion article, “Dear Mothers and fathers, don’t get married; ‘family’ has nothing exceptional to offer children, such as stability or a moral compass; the government will raise us and everything will work out fine without society collapsing into the abyss of corruption.”
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This is an excellent article. Regardless of whether a woman chooses to marry or not, The freedom to come and go in a relationship is there. The ties of Marriage simplify some things, but yes, place undue burdens on women. Marriage is a partnership. Not every business succeeds. Sometimes it has to be dissolved, and life goes on.
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Awesome article — Thank you for writing this. 🙂
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Aptly said and well written
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This is a beautiful, honest and authentic expression of a modern women’s take on marriage. I don’t think that marriage needs to be eradicated completely. There are modern women, Indian and of other faiths and cultures, who may feel positive about the prospect of marriage. I believe the authentic thing to do is to empower women and remind them that they are capable and entitled to assert their needs, desires, terms and conditions in a marriage, and that marriage can benefit them too, not just the man, if they want to participate in it. We don’t have to take the highway with this. We have the power to sit down, challenge the patriarchy and renegotiate and recreate.
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Marraige is an investment where one has to invest in terms of caring, sharing and genuinely thinking about the new people in your life. If you only think of your gains and enjoyment then you’ll head for disappointment. Firstly, you need to be brutally honest with yourself and see who is at fault. IF it is you, change your thoughts and behaviour. Try to align yourself with positive actions and words. If the others are at fault ,they need to be told about this, by involving others. If things don’t work out, it is best to exist and always respect your decision.
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Who is at fault?????? Really that’s the best you could take away from this article.
I say everyone should do three things in life at least once.
1. Bungee jumping 2. Sky diving 3. Marry
You got to take the risk and bear the consequences 😉
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She is talking of faults…she is talking of needs…with women capably handling and leading their lives what is the need of marriage? A man is no more ‘pati parmeshwar’
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Marraige is an investment where one has to invest in terms of caring, sharing and genuinely thinking about the new people in your life. If you only think of your gains and enjoyment then you’ll head for disappointment. Firstly, you need to be brutally honest with yourself and see who is at fault. IF it is you, change your thoughts and behaviour. Try to align yourself with positive actions and words. If the others are at fault ,they need to be told about this, by involving others. If things don’t work out, it is best to exist and always respect your decision.
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Marriage is Asia means something else. It has more to do with families and society then with the individuals getting married. The worst part of it all is ‘giving away’ a daughter and her having to change and adapt to a new family. This is frustrating even to think about.
Although, I feel like marriage can be a beautiful thing if it is beyond that. For example, two people living together, independent, doing their own thing, supporting each other, sharing finances, sharing life, (marriage being a higher level of commitment where you just won’t walk out, instead, solve the problem, because relationships require work), I believe marriage is a choice. To marry or not to marry are both fine and rest are just opinions.
In short, marriage should be between two people not a trade between families.
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exactly….each n every word written by you is what i exactly think of….well expressed
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All the time and energy you have invested in teaching your daughters not to marry could have been invested to telling them that they can have a life with or without marriage. We are not here, pushing ideas in growing minds. As adults, everyone should have a choice of what they want to do and how they want to do it. I agree that you don’t need to be married to have a companion but where you mention that just few women are lucky to have a supportive companion, thats where the issue is. We should teach our boys and girls to be supportive in a relationship. Bring them up with good morals and make them feel like its an equal share game. Not taking the easy way out of responsibilities and saying, it’s an end for weddings. Appreciate other choices and they will appreciate yours. Some here said about the value of companionship during your old age. It’s something to be noted because, we are old and we need someone with us. How long will you stay for your daughters? Well I’m sure your question is, can we not do that if we are not married. Yes we can ! 100%. But going back to where i started, it’s a choice and we should learn to appreciate it. Write to fix the problems instead of burning choices.We all need to learn responsibilities at some point, through marriage or by taking responsibility not to influence the growing generation and their thoughts writing things like this.
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Very well said.
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I loved your comment more than this article itself. 🙂
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Very well written
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Well said
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Tomorrow you will say don’t bear children they come with a package of responsibility, waking in nights changing diapers . Teach them everything and they will fly away from the nest . You have understood marriage like the typical mother in laws in Tv serials .times are changing and so are we . Our girls educated and self reliant does not mean don’t need someone. Love is totally out of it so what all should become sadhvis .????
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you dont need to be married to be loved or feel loved. you can be totally committed to a relationship and feel loved and share responsibilities of the relationship but still not marry. Marraige to most men, means a 24×7 maid and caretaker. Days of men providing roti-kapda-makan, women today doesnt need that. Their needs have changed, they are looking for a sharer with equality.
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What you have said I haven’t seen that in my parent’s generation and I have seen a lot of couple where the men started taking equal responsibility of the household things when the women went to work. My dad nurtured and took care of me when my mum is away for work, which mentally gave her pain as it is a biological need for women to be close with her kids. If you go outside India you will see majority of the Indian husbands taking large amount of participation in their marriage. What you are saying that mostly happens either in the rural part of India or happened in our grandparents generation. Not anymore.
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I think you should revisit the article and read it beyond the point ‘you don’t need to get married.’
It nowhere says you don’t need someone. You do need.
But you do not need to get married.
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Everyone has different perspective regarding marriage and I completely respect your opinion considering your previous experiences. However, never get married its the worst advice ever. Ofcourse, one should follow their dreams and ultimately get married with person they love. I appreciate that marriage laddens some extra responsibilties but it also gives you family that loves and supports you. Nowadays, men also help in raising children and doing household chores. Mother-in-laws are also very lenient and supportive comparatively considering their daughter-in-law’s added responsibilites. There is nothing more beautiful than becoming wife and mother. Marriage too has Pros and Cons, however, to be obvious Pros are on higher side.
Having lovers and not to get married with the right one is same as live in relationship. To recapitulate, never getting married is still not the right advice.
I salute to all the
W onderful mothers,
O utstanding friend,
M arvellous daughter,
A dorable sisters &
N icest gift to men from God.
Happie international womens day.
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This article talks about one of the approaches towards marriage. First of all, marriage is an institution and is bigger than individuals approach. For centuries this institution has given us security as an individual and society. In last two decades women in India have realised the power of education and empowered themselves as a working class. Chanlleges are bigger than yesterday as women have to meet demands at work and home. We have not realised and anticipated the pressure on working women. We need to educate both our son’s and daughters to handle the pressure by dividing work at home and outside. It is called as adaptability. Sons can not follow the old rules set by the family when they are in new system.
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Wish her parents had thought of that before having her
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Sejal, i believe that either you are not married or you are very happy in your married life. Don’t think as per your stand point. Think as per girls around you. In most of the families, girls are responsible for household chores along with their full time job as it is the mindset which can’t be changed. I haven’t seen any male member taking the ownership of the household. Mother in law will never ask his son to help her rather she will expect her daughter in law to do evrything after she is done with her full time job. If baby is not behaving in appropriate manner, father is not responsible for anything. Everyone will scold the mother that maa ne kuch nahi sikhaya. I am done with this mindset. Hence, no use to celebrate women’s day.
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Second this …
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You see to be very insensitive to the needs of women. Please open your mind. Gender is a construct that can be changed. Please don’t ruin girls’ dreams.
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Yes don’t bear children for reasons like
1. Need a child to hand down property
2. To see how well I can parent
3. To carry family name or grandparents name
A child is a huge responsibility. .. they do not come into the world out of their choice. They deserve all the respect as any individual or adult n not to be crapped around for selfish reasons of adults who have no sense or sensibility themselves but who just happen to be following a natural progession of life as has been established by ancestors and culture. Adults who have no clue of what they are doing are teaching children to be good adults. Adults must stop trying to project themselves as perfect and expect a child to be perfect. Let a child grow up to be what he or she wants to be not what his or her parent wants him or her to be.
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Who is at fault?????? Really that’s the best you could take away from this article.
I say everyone should do three things in life at least once.
1. Bungee jumping 2. Sky diving 3. Marry
You got to take the risk and bear the consequences 😉
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Hello Sejal,
I appreciate your views, but could not stop myself to reply to ur views. The author of the article is not trying to imbibe any kind of thought in our daughter or girls out there. It’s not about being Sadhvi’s. It tries to convey a point that Marriage is just not the only thing which need to happen to a women and should not be treated as a stage of women’s life. It should not be fed in the daughters from childhood that it is the ultimate goal.
It is a matter of choice and should understand and evaluate your self worth in all respects and it’s bargain.
It’s should not be selfish at the same time. Indian society is setup in a manner that anyone digressing from the norms is outcasted….
we should overcome our fears and make life worth living. You get one life, and you buoying it at its fullest, ups and downs, married or not married is should be our choice.
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I second with your article completely!! It’s the 21st century u truly dont need to depend on anyone any longer!!
U decide the path u choose and confidently move ahead on it!!
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In second with your article completely!! It’s the 21st century u truly dont need to depend on anyone any longer!!
U decide the path u choose and confidently move ahead on it!!
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If everyone has a thought like u then no daughters have to run for higher studies n job to escape the wedding..specially n India and southern part like Tamil Nadu it’s like hell for a girl child from the day she attains her puberty specially when she completes her graduation at the age of 21 neighbours,relatives all will ring our calling Bell and their eyes like eagle ll be on us untill some proposal gets fixed to her. It’s really pathetic now a days to live n a society like this. Parents till now sees marriage as a part of thier duty nothing else.
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So true.
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I hope your daughters are wise enough never to follow your advice
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Aekta..I think you lost the moral high ground to write this piece, when you married the second time. By not sharing the circumstances that prompted to go against your own beliefs, your article is hypocritical.
I too belong to the side that marriage is a dying institution. But not for the reasons you mention. In the urban high income category, with all the burden that women put up with in marriage,it is the companionship in old age that makes marriage critical. Now with the fast evolving old senior citizens homes, the challenge of companionship is being obliquely addressed.
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The existence of you is why she had to write this article
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Sir … By and large no one has the right to judge anyone for their moral ground especially in our highly hypocritical patriarchal society. One – the writer mentions that her first marriage was an arranges marriage … something that happened without her choice. Pathetic system …. arranged marriage …. elders decide who an individual should live with …. and criteria – anything but the individuals choice … ! She writes the different experiences of her two marriages gave her … her choice gave her everything she ever wanted. But the fact of the matter as the writer rightly speaks from experience. .. why does a woman need a husband to live a life ! Men have created a system called patriarchal system to convenience themselves in all ways in a manner so selfish and self focused, have defined life so insecure for a woman without a husband (man) …. and tell women “you can’t live without male”. Seriously what a way of life !!!!
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I mean you’ve been married twice have successful kids and u talking rubbish after that..insane ha jus abt anything for publicity.
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It’s great to read this. My only say is that Mens mind is equally conditioned to live and behave in a certain way. Most men don’t get an emotional support right from. their early formative years. There is no right upbringing of the boys in the society. They are raised to fend or bring money for the family.
From a boy who is not happy about his upbringing.
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No, I don’t entirely agree to this article. I am all in for women liberation, equal rights- over property and otherwise, sharing responsibilities and having security. But you have missed a mention of many other important aspects in a marriage… companionship, a feeling of belonging, a home, raising kids and aging together. If the choice is between a bad marriage and no marriage.. I would agree with what you said…. but the point here is marriage and I strongly advocate here the MATTER OF CHOICE. We should tell our kids about the options, outcomes, fears and then let them MAKE THEIE OWN CHOICE.
That, I feel, should be the right idea to pass on.
Also, I feel the economic burden of the house, and providing for the family needs; that men so far have been carrying shouldn’t be brushed under the carpet so easily. (I am not talking about the rural-middle class, but the upper middle class; also the kind the author, I suppose might be belonging to).
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You are comparing 2 different situations. The writer here talks about something like, a life long companionship is not guaranteed by marraige, ypu can have that even without one.
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Well said. That’s right, Let the children make their choice
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well u saying this after being married urself twice. Some of it might be true.. but how about women who don’t want to work hard and jus latch on to a guy for money and comfort. For them marriage is an escape. Apart from that I c women having 2 to 3 maids to do the house work even while they sit at home doing nothing….
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I have been reiterating this sentence from more than a year. You have put down the same thoughts very well.
Im glad many indian women feel the same way. All along u thought i was a horrible mother for telling my daughter this.
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All along i thought i was a horrible mother for telling my daughter this.
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Marry only the right one.it never limits you in anyway if it is wh right person.whether it be a relationship or marriage.martige just legalises everything.thats all.and along with it comes lot of added benefits.if u are nont married itself being in a toxic relatioship is bad and limits you in variou ways.it i not the institution of marriage per se.and it is gender independent
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It is partly true as I understannđ
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You have written your reasons very well. However what point really struck me was #SmashThePatriarchy . It’s well read and good writers like you who influence the readers. We should be focusing on #MenWomenEquality or #WomenMenEquality instead (in my honest opinion). Also, I hope you support your daughter in case she wants to get married and not stay single. After all it’s her one and only life.
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I absolutely agree with you…every line every word.
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Ishwari
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Why Ishwari? Why not Vyshnavi?
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I second you… Thanks for this article
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I second this. Absolutely true. I was also having discussions with my husband on the same topic and i will definitely advise my kids not to get married.
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Marriage just take all right of liberty , success and property of a women.I think married only when u got right partner who maintain distance relationship and compatible with u.Just married anyone because I have to be married in my life is rubbish
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😀😀😀
I have been saying all this to my daughter since years , she is 21 now . But never thought that someone will read and write my mind publicly through an article.
Thanks for penning it down 😊
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Nothing reduces women’s ability its just your inability to stay in a relation. This is like fall in relation with every man/woman who is available except your husband/wife. This is really pity to read. ” I CLEARLY UNDERSTAND YOU INABILITY TO STAY IN RELATION WHEN YOU CAN’T MANAGE YOUR RELATION HOW CAN YOU MANAGE YOUR DREAM WORLD/COMPANY. Don’t give your inabilities to others and degrade other women.
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Read the article properly vk
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I agree with her and the only thing degrading here is your ability to understand her point of view and your comment.
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VK,
Any topic has many aspects. You are cstching one of them and swinging on it. It is not womens inability to stay in a situation. The past 100s of years has shown that women can stay in any situation if she has no other choice. But the 21st century has shown her there is a choice. Now she can excerse her right to choose and thats what she should do. She still has the right to stay in an untenable situation if she’s stupid enough to do so..
As for children, companionship, home etc she can still have being single. If you men can have lovers, mistresses, one night stands etc i dont see why a woman cant have the same priveleges if she opts for it. It is not just a man’s prerogative anymore. So wake up to reality
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Very well put indeed. It is heartwarming to know that there are more people who think this way. Thank you so much for writing this piece… absolutely loved it!
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As rightly said by aekta kapoor …Great article..here I would like to say one thing to Aekta Kapoor. As per your article if things are workout then Gents lifespan my increase i guess. Bcz Hedeache percentage will reduce ..so gents can enjoy their own freedom without any hedeaches.. and recently I have red one article . In that article Hedeache chances are increasing day by day due to womens..guys my suggestion is if you don’t want Hedeache then don’t get marry 😂😂😂😜😜🍻.
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I absolutely agree with you. It’s absolutely true.
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