By Unsanskari Stree
In the era of the many regulations and rules, it’s no surprise that we may soon be getting a Ministry for Sex. Why, you ask?
Well, sex is an extremely powerful and primordial thing, much like our environment, which also has a Ministry (I am assured by friends that there is a Ministry for Environment despite the Delhi smog, poisoned rivers and sobbing farmlands), and therefore needs to be regulated.
Thus, the Minister for Sex would have a full-on portfolio, especially given our population of 1.3 billion people, who all have dubious antecedents – after all, their very own parents had sex.
What will this Ministry do, you ask? Here are some rules we foresee being laid down (no pun intended).
Rule No. 1: You can have sex only after showing Aadhaar card. There will be a March 31 deadline for all consenting adults, of legal, sexual age to submit Aadhaar cards if they intend to remain sexually active; else they will be rendered with chastity belts, the budget for which will come from Rule No. 2.
Rule No. 2: GST will be levied on the sexual act. As we are a country that values marriage very highly, there will be GST of 18% on monthly income levied on married couples every time they have sex, and 28% on unmarried couples. In the case of homosexuals, and pansexuals, apart from GST, there will also be VAT levied.
Rule No. 3: You can only use prophylactics of ‘Made in India’ origin. Never mind that they come with the most asinine names, they are Made in India and patriotism needs us to push our economy further. Bye-bye, Durex, we will miss you!
Rule No. 4: Better still, using natural methods of contraception are to be encouraged, for instance, tying a lemon and some green chillies around the ankle or waist of the person you sleep with, red tilaks on their forehead, and so on.
Rule No. 5: You can have sex only in positions advocated by ancient Indian sages. Any international positions, which you may have learnt in other countries, or with people of other countries, especially Pakistanis, are herewith banned.
Rule No. 6: Sex will take place only on Holy Days, but it will be banned on Very Holy Days. Also, to ensure that no one’s sensibilities are offended, sex will only take place in bedrooms between 10 pm and 6 am, at the same time that condom ads are allowed on television.
Rule No. 7: Inter-community sex is not illegal, but will be under scrutiny in case it promotes anti-national tendencies. It is recommended that you follow the fine Indian caste laws and find a partner within your own community for any kind of nefarious desires you may have.
Rule No. 8: In case of a data leak, where your entire sexual history can be obtained for the measly sum of Rs 500, you will not have any right to sue anyone and bear it with the forbearance of your ancestors, as they bore the Mongol raids, the Mughal invasion and the British Raj!
Unsanskari Stree is in her early forties, will only mingle with the right sorts, and regards her dating life with some amusement.