“Marriage should not be allowed as a permission slip for assault” – Veera Mahajan

(Trigger warning: domestic violence)

In the ongoing season six of Bigg Boss Malayalam, popular TV and film actor Sreerekha made a stunning revelation. She said that, a decade ago, she was assaulted so badly by her ex-husband that she got paralyzed waist down and was bedridden for 10 months.

“Initially, we kept it hidden from people, fearing it would bring shame to the family,” she said on the show, adding that the marriage lasted only seven months. The 40-year-old Thrissur-based actor and psychologist later remarried and now has two children.

Sreerekha is only one among many prominent Indian personalities who have revealed they faced domestic violence after marriage. The situation for ordinary women is no doubt dire. One of three married women in India face domestic violence in their lifetime, largely due to patriarchy and endemic sexism in South Asian society. This not only leaves the survivors traumatised but also affects their children who end up being the secondary victims of intimate-partner violence.

This is the sordid truth that author, producer, and educator Veera Mahajan has been highlighting for the past several years – ever since she stood up against the domestic violence in her own life. Now a mediator based in Malibu and Las Vegas, Mahajan was 19 years old when she left her home in Jalandhar, Punjab, India, and migrated with her family to the US.

That’s when she began hearing about domestic abuse on television, and realised she had already witnessed it in her own life growing up. “My dad was very abusive to my mother and my elder brother. My younger two brothers and I didn’t get it as bad as them but physical abuse was certainly there for all of us. To some extent, it was the way of life,” she says.

The cycle of abuse repeated itself years later in Mahajan’s own marriage even though she was empowered, held a Bachelor’s degree in computer science, and had been president of a highly successful software company by then.

Her own story is one of many she chronicles in Domestic Abuse: Unreported Crime, a hard-hitting and moving self-help book that puts the spotlight on intimate-partner violence.

Not only is abuse rampant in South Asian societies, it is also culturally accepted by many. A 2022 study found that nearly half of the Indian population believes that domestic violence is justified if the wife doesn’t perform her ‘duties’ – such as if she doesn’t cook ‘properly’, or goes out without telling her husband, or refuses him sex.

“South Asian women suffer all kinds of abuse and stay quiet because of the attitude of our communities. Our Indian culture accepts bad behaviour of men as normal and mothers teach their children to accept it,” says Mahajan, adding that she made sure to educate her two sons on this subject. “They knew it was abuse and they knew it was wrong.”

Another aspect the book highlights is the fear of losing custody of one’s children that binds many women in abusive marriages. Giving her own example, Mahajan says that she was afraid that, even if she got 50 percent custody of her sons, who would protect them the rest of the time? “So, I waited for my sons to turn adults and not get caught up in a custody battle,” she explains, adding that she was married for a total of 23 years before she finally got her divorce.

An entrepreneur by nature, Mahajan went on to rebuild her life, including being the publisher of Malibu Chronicle magazine for six years before selling it to The Malibu Times. She now runs a successful real-estate business. She also founded the nonprofit Foundation for Women at Risk, dedicated to supporting women and children facing domestic abuse.

With advanced degrees in spiritual psychology from the University of Santa Monica, and mediations and dispute resolution from Pepperdine Law School, Mahajan is a professional mediator specialising in peaceful communication. Now a 60-year-old grandmother whose looks belie her age, she has spoken on various platforms including TEDx on domestic-abuse awareness.

A fact that Mahajan doesn’t tire of highlighting is that abuse comes in various forms. “Most people only consider physical beating to be abuse. Even the police won’t take action unless there is actually blood or marks on the body. And even women don’t consider marital rape a rape; they believe sex is the husband’s right and the wife’s duty,” she notes.

She refers to the fact that marital rape is still not considered a punishable crime in India. “Women are forced to accept it in our cultures. If they try to talk about it, no one is willing to hear it, let alone help them. Men, women, families and communities need to have more conversations about this crime and call it what it is. Any sexual activity without consent is rape. Marriage should not be allowed as a permission slip for assault,” she avers.

She also talks about the other extreme – withholding sex as a form of abuse and torture. “A lot of men ignore and reject their wives as a punishment or to make them feel undesirable. Then there is emotional, verbal, and financial abuse,” she goes on, explaining why it’s imperative for every woman to be financially independent.

Despite growing awareness and education, it sometimes takes a very long time for victims to wake up to the fact that they are being abused, and to take action. This is in part due to the ‘honeymoon cycle’ as Mahajan points out.

“Domestic abuse comes in so many ways and it is almost always mixed with days of fun, parties, events, holidays and celebrations. There is a back-and-forth of crumbs of love that keeps the victim hoping things will get better,” she says.

She explains that most women keep trying to love more and give more to maintain the status quo for their children. They accept abuse as the price for peace – rolling with the punches, so to say.

“Most women, including me, make excuses for their husband or downplay abuse – saying it is ‘anger after long days of hard work’, or ‘he is tired’, or ‘it doesn’t happen too often’, or the worst, ‘where else is he going to show his frustrations?’ I hate that, and I have to ask women to listen to their own words. Why should they accept any punch from anyone, let alone rolling with the punches?” she asks.

In addition, the onus usually falls on victims to fight abuse, defend themselves or walk out – there isn’t adequate pressure put on men from society, media and social-justice groups to stop violent behaviours. For example, many institutions organise martial-arts training for girls but not gender rights for boys. Phone apps offer women ‘emergency buttons’ for dangerous situations, but none alerts men to stop being predators.

Similarly, while books like Mahajan’s tell women how to stand up against abuse, there are no equivalent books telling men to stop abusing women and children.

Mahajan agrees, “We do not have enough books that teach boys to be strong, powerful men who also know how to respect and love women and children. Society still accepts men being angry, rude, or ordering their women and even hitting them in the name of love and ownership.”

Interestingly, Mahajan’s book is aimed at any victim of abuse – man, woman or child. “The sad part is that, not just in India but around the world, it is mostly women who are abused and men are the perpetrators but there are definitely some men who are abused by other men or even women in their lives,” she says, explaining why she has included men’s testimonials in her book.

She also draws attention to the generational trauma due to domestic violence, and how children are affected by it. “Children who grow up in an abusive home and environment live in constant fear and carry it into their adult lives. They have difficulty trusting people and developing healthy relationships. Girls who watch their mothers accepting abuse learn to accept abuse more easily than girls who grow up in families where they are encouraged to be strong and free. Boys, on the other hand, learn from the adult men in their families and follow that pattern and become abusive. Thus, the abuse continues generation after generation and becomes normalised,” she says.

As the case studies in Mahajan’s book demonstrate, victims of domestic violence not only suffer in the abusive relationship but also struggle to start new lives outside the relationship without social and economic support. Having lived in both India and US, Mahajan believes there is a major difference in Western systems versus those in India in this regard.

“The biggest difference is community support in the West. When we were in India, my mom’s friends and family knew about the abuse she suffered but no one supported her – neither her own siblings nor anyone in her husband’s family. Her friends told her it is better to stay with one monster to be safe from all the other monsters,” she recalls.

Mahajan’s own experience was not much different even though she got divorced in the US. “My Indian friends and family did not support me. They all encouraged me to continue staying in the abusive marriage because they were all in the same boat, or thought that it would bring shame to the family. But in my home, things didn’t get better, they only got worse.”

Mahajan never regretted leaving her marriage, and found support amongst her American friends. With her book, her talks and her work, she hopes to pass it forward. “I never wanted abuse to happen in my life again and I wanted to use my experiences to help someone else’s journey to freedom be easier and faster,” she says.