Why you’re a perfectionist, and how to turn it into your strength, not weakness

By Apoorva Gairola

There is a task at hand, perhaps one you like. You’ve spent hours, days or even months refining it, a lot more time than it would ideally require to finish, yet it is not good enough. No matter how much time and effort you put into it and how fine the preliminary outcome is, it is simply, at no time, good enough.

As a result, an activity that you may otherwise take joy in and feel driven to engage in turns into something that causes marked stress and anxiety as you feel the outcome is unable to meet your unrealistically high standards. You end up feeling dissatisfied with yourself, unworthy, afraid that you may fail, and significantly unhappy leading to low self-esteem and depression.

Rings a bell? It’s likely due to a personality trait called perfectionism.

What is perfectionism?

It is essentially a learned behaviour, a maladaptive one leading to a core belief system that one must achieve perfection in their strivings in order to get what they want or need.

For a child trying to fulfill parental expectations, it may look something like, “I must score high in the exam, only then will my parents get me the new game I really want,” or “If I don’t score high in the exam, my parents will not love me.”

For an adult, it could be a belief that they must exude perfection – in how they look, talk, live or work – in order to be accepted and appreciated, only then will they be able to fulfill their need for social belonging.

This learned behaviour evolves into a personality trait where the perfectionist has a tendency to demand or expect an extremely high or even flawless level of performance from oneself or others, even if the situation does not require it.  

Perfectionism is not one thing. Researchers have come up with a three-factor model to explain its multidimensional nature:

• The first factor is Perfectionistic Strivings, which is the tendency to set high standards for oneself.
• Second is Perfectionistic Concerns, which refers to the anxiety and worry associated with the perfectionist’s thoughts and behaviours.
• The third and somewhat undermined factor is Order, best understood as the tendency to be precise, neat and systematic.

Is perfectionism bad for you?

Perfectionism can be a strength or a weakness depending on the context. Learning behaviours for adaptation is always the goal; that is the very basis of how we live. To adapt to our surroundings in a healthy way is ideal. When that occurs, it’s called adaptive perfectionism.

Often, due to family pressures or sociocultural stressors, we may end up with psychological maladaptation, which then leads to mental illness.

Adaptive or positive perfectionists have a healthy motivation to set high standards and work hard to achieve their goals. On the other hand, maladaptive or negative perfectionists are not driven by the idea of achieving but by the fear of failure.

What causes perfectionism?

The root causes are embedded in experiences during critical developmental stages of childhood. Family dysfunction and adverse childhood experiences contribute to the development of higher levels of perfectionism.

Parental factors like high expectations, harsh criticism, rejections, affectionless control and a lack of bonding are not only traumatic but also deprive a child of their emotional needs. The child begins to believe that these needs will never be met and perfectionism could possibly rectify that.

Upon growing up, as an adult, this belief system is experienced through a fear of failure and pressures and exalted demands imposed on self. Neuroticism, or high levels of emotionality, also influences the development of perfectionism.

Modern society has dynamically complex social structures and expectations. Sometimes, perfectionism may be a response to fulfill the increasing demands of a more competitive and achievement-oriented society.

Why should you be concerned?

The implications of perfectionism are serious and if left unchecked and untreated can have severe consequences. Perfectionism puts you at risk for several psychological illnesses, including anxiety disorders, mood disorders like major depression and eating disorders like anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. It causes social anxiety and low self-esteem.

The most important aspect of clinically significant perfectionism is that we judge and evaluate ourselves based on whether we have been able to meet our own lofty performance standards even if such standards are harmful to begin with.

When they fail to meet these standards, a perfectionist responds with relentless self-criticism. If, somehow, they do meet them, the perfectionistic impulses re-evaluate and render the exaggerated standards as not high enough.

A study found that perfectionism adversely affects the capacity for self-compassion. People with perfectionism procrastinate more; and have higher levels of burnout, traumatic stress, suicidal ideation and non-suicidal self-injury.

It’s also been linked to Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) when the person exhibits extreme perfectionism in all aspects of life. It’s a symptom that interferes with task completion.

What can be done?

While acknowledging the positive aspects of perfectionism, it is equally important to not overlook the negatives.

For solving a problem, the foremost step is to become aware of it. Educating yourself about what perfectionism is, how it manifests behaviourally, the thoughts and feelings associated with it and its psychological and physiological effects is a way to do so.

If it’s a mild to moderate degree of distress, you can help yourself by staying vigilant, and by recognising and managing perfectionistic behaviour. This includes having more self-compassion, gently teaching yourself that it’s okay and even healthy to set achievable goals. Avoid engaging in harsh self-criticism no matter what the outcome of the pursuit may be.

If you have access to professional support, go for it. Treatment modalities like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Motivational Enhancement Therapy and Group Therapy may help you.

If it is possible to learn maladaptive behaviours through childhood, it is possible to unlearn them as adults. Perfectionism is not an ailment in itself, it’s a trait that can cause severe consequences. With awareness and vigilance, it can be consciously managed either by self or through professional help if needed.

Apoorva Gairola is a psychology professional and former journalist who is passionate about mental health, women’s and gender issues.