Self-love isn’t vanity! Psychologist Damini Grover busts 9 misconceptions about loving oneself

In her new book Time to Come Home: Sowing the Seeds of Self-Love for Lasting Happiness (Hay House India, INR 399) psychologist and life coach Damini Grover guides readers on how to practise self-love and how to achieve inner transformation through self-compassion.

Using personal anecdotes and case studies, she uncovers deep-rooted beliefs that stop us from having a holistic, healthy relationship with ourselves. “Self-love is a necessity,” says Grover, who is the founder of I’M Powered Centre for Counselling & Well-Being in Delhi, India.

In this excerpt from the book, Grover talks about misconceptions around self-love that often come in the way of our inner journey.

By Damini Grover

A significant portion of the individuals I work with harbour apprehensions about embracing the concept of self-love, fearing that it will transform them into an undesirable version of themselves. This hesitation stems from the longstanding perception surrounding self-love, which has traditionally been approached in the following manner.

Misconception 1: Loving yourself means being selfish and self-centred

Reality: We are always taught to put others first to be accepted and treated well by the members of our community, and this is okay because we all want to be loved and accepted by the people around us. However, it often comes at the cost of our own needs – as if we and others cannot coexist on the same plane! People who do things for others without caring for themselves are glorified as if they are doing something great. Yes, serving others is noble but only when it is a choice. If it is carried out of compulsion, there is nothing great about it. Thus, loving yourself means nurturing yourself to be better equipped to care for those around you.

Have you ever noticed firefighters wearing safety gear before entering a burning building? They ensure their safety first to be able to save others. After all, what’s the point of jumping to save someone only to die in the process, especially when it is avoidable?

Misconception 2: Loving yourself is vain

Reality: Loving yourself is not about calling attention to yourself. It is also not about walking around with a placard that reads ‘Look at me’, ‘Talk to me’, ‘Give me importance!’ It is about prioritising self-care by asking yourself, ‘What do I need?’ and ‘How can I better support myself?’

Misconception 3: If you ask for what you want, people may not love you and may neglect you

Reality: This is a major misconception that keeps people stuck in habitual patterns of disregarding themselves. The fact is that in genuine relationships there is no give or take. People find a way to balance each other’s needs and expectations. They will love you when you are at your best and worst. Those who love you will do it regardless of what you do. Genuine and healthy relationships are not transactions; they are built on awareness, acceptance, understanding, and willingness to support each other’s needs. If you ask for what you want and someone decides to leave you, that relationship is not worth your time and effort anyway.

Misconception 4: Loving yourself means not caring about others

Reality: Wrong! When you learn to love yourself, you can better invest in your relationships. You do the same for others as you become loving and kind towards yourself. This is how self-love enhances your relationships with others. Just like a vehicle cannot run without petrol or diesel, you, too, cannot go on for long without taking care of your own needs.

Misconception 5: Self-love is for those who are into spirituality

Reality: Self-love is open and for all, as each individual needs to nurture themselves. This is a necessary skill and mindset that each one of us needs to cultivate a better life.

Misconception 6: Self-love is about yoga, bubble baths and salon visits

Reality: Well, it can be! If these things make you feel better, then why not? Go ahead and pamper yourself with a spa session. Self-care is an extremely important aspect of loving yourself, as you need to recharge now and then. However, it goes beyond physical self-care and includes mental and emotional care as well.

Misconception 7: Self-love will make you complacent

Reality: On the contrary, love has the power to inspire growth. When you learn to regard yourself, you learn to motivate and encourage yourself as well. You become your own coach and cheerleader.

Misconception 8: You cannot love another if you do not love yourself

Reality: This is not entirely true. You can and do love others. In some cases, you even end up doing more for them. The only problem that arises is that it is not sustainable. Your lack of regard for yourself limits your ability to be fully present for them, increasing your dependence on them.

Misconception 9: You must prove your worth or achieve something to love yourself

Reality: We keep laying conditions on love and make it more and more difficult for ourselves. The world of our inner voice often tells us, directly or indirectly, that we are worthy of love only when we have something to show for it, such as a perfect body, grades, job, salary, relationships, awards, etc.

Love is not supposed to be conditional and the same goes for self-love. If all these ideas are misconceptions, then what does self-love look like? Loving yourself means:

• Putting yourself first wherever needed
• Accepting yourself with all your strengths and areas of improvement
• Not being bothered by what people say or think about you – you choose the people who matter to you and respect and honour their opinions to the best of your ability
• Letting go of your mistakes and learning from them
• Focusing on your thoughts, feelings and actions
• Taking time out for self-care without feeling guilty

Our process of self-love is hindered by such misconceptions, and it is this fight against them that sets us free.

This excerpt is published with permission from Hay House India.