Adopting an older child? Here are 5 things you need to know

By Smriti Gupta

Did you know that you can legally adopt a child in India until the child turns 18 years old? We have all heard about people adopting babies or toddlers, but there are children of all ages in the Indian legal adoption pool, waiting in shelters for their forever family.

Adoption is picking up pace in our country, with children getting adopted quickly if they are under 10 years of age. But many preteens and teens languish in shelters despite being legally adoptable because many of us don’t understand that it is possible to build a strong bond with an older child, and they need and deserve a permanent family as much as any other child.

As an adoptive parent myself and as co-founder of the nonprofit WAIC, I have talked to many families who took the step to adopt a preteen and teen child. Here are the key takeaways from their adoption stories.

1. The child is more anxious than you. Be kind.

An India-based interracial couple, who adopted an eight-year-old boy after a long struggle with the shelter, were surprised when the boy insisted every day that he wanted to go back. It’s a pretty normal thing for children in the initial days after adoption, but the couple wasn’t ready for it. They eventually learnt that the child didn’t mean it and was just testing them. Thankfully they had the patience to go through this phase until the child got settled.

Every child is anxious when they join a new family. It doesn’t matter whether they are two years old or 12. They don’t know you yet. They don’t know if they can trust you. They don’t know if you will love them forever or if they will face another abandonment. Children express this anxiety in different ways – they may not initially talk to you, they may be angry, they may be sad, they may throw tantrums, they may even say things to test whether you actually want them.

Through all this, as a parent, you need to be kind. If you feel frustrated, take a break. Then come back and continue being kind. Continue to be with your child, even when he or she is being difficult, so they know you are not going away.

2. The child will have existing habits. They will evolve.

An adoptive mom brought her 12-year-old daughter home when her biological son was 17 years old. Her son not only encouraged her to follow her dream to adopt, but he also helped his new sister adjust post-adoption. One of the things that baffled the mother was that her daughter only wanted to watch TV all day, not study, and not engage in any activities. The reason was that most kids don’t really get to do much at the shelter, and watching TV was likely a way for the daughter to not think about the big changes happening in her life.

The mother talked to other adoptive parents and slowly started to nudge her daughter to change her habits. Limits on screen time, scheduled study times, sport activities and so on did bring up a lot of resistance from the daughter but over a couple of years, she started enjoying the new activities and got more involved in school.

Older children might have picked up habits or behaviours from the shelter that you may not agree with. It’s okay. With your love and guidance, the child will slowly integrate with your family and learn new habits and behaviors. It will not happen overnight – give it time. Talk to any adoptive family and they will tell you how children eventually start to behave just like their parents!

3. The child may remember their history. Let them talk.

When our daughter came home at four years of age, she talked about her life at the shelter. She talked about the other children, she talked about the caretakers, and sometimes she talked about things that made us wonder whether she was talking about the shelter or her life before the shelter. We listened to her and let her decide how much and when she wanted to talk.

Slightly older children may remember more about their life at the shelter or maybe even with their biological families. Let them lead the way in whether they want to talk about it. Ask gentle questions if they are willing to answer. Don’t shut them down. It’s part of their history and it does not say anything about you as the parent. Help them process their memories.

4. Education should be at the child’s pace. Not the other way around.

An adoptive mom, whose kids are now grown up, once told me about the educational changes she made for her daughter. When her daughter came home through adoption, she put her in the same school as her biological son. It was a respected, academically rigorous school and her son had thrived in it. But the school didn’t work for the daughter. The school failed to understand that the daughter had certain educational gaps, needed to relearn some things, and needed to learn at her own pace.

So the mom switched schools and found a more holistic school that focused on child development more than just academic rigour. When it was time for college, she also helped her daughter find a career path in line with her interests.

Children in shelters most likely would not have got good academic support and might be below the threshold for the usual learning milestones. Do not look at academics in terms of grades or in terms of how other kids are performing. Assess the specific learning needs that your child has, and start from there. The child will need time, space and help to discover their learning potential.

Education is not a race, even though we have made it one. Start with homeschooling if you need to. Ensure you get tutors that understand the child’s needs and pace. Find a school that focuses on learning rather than competition.

5. Take the help you can get. And talk to other adoptive parents.

A couple who felt passionately about adoption were very hesitant in using the grandparents for help when their daughter came home. They were afraid that the grandparents would say something biased and hurt the child. There could be many other reasons why extended family help is not available.

In such cases, use nannies and other paid staff for help. Make sure that the child spends the most amount of time with you to establish bonding, but having nannies and tutors will give you much-needed support.

In India, adoption counsellors, especially for older-child adoption, are not easily available. Hence adoptive parents depend on each other for guidance. Talk to other adoptive parents and find the ones that you connect with well. Sometimes having another parent say, “yes, that’s normal” or “my child did that too” can really help navigate children’s various growth stages.

Lastly, the most important thing to remember in any adoption is that we may have the world, but the child only has us.

Smriti Gupta is a Pune-based child rights’ activist and the co-founder of Where Are India’s Children, an NGO focused on ensuring that every eligible abandoned and orphaned child reaches the legal adoption pool. She is an adoptive mother of two daughters and a champion for adoption of children with special needs, older children and siblings.

Lead image: Shylendra Hoode / Canva